“This isn’t working out,” I insist to my girlfriend as we glide effortlessly downhill on her tandem bicycle.
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LADIES imagine this,
its 15 years from now. your son is up to bat. your daughter is cheering him on in the stands. your husband is nowhere to be found, you start to worry he’ll miss the game. suddenly, a tiny red convertible pulls up on the field. its your husband, Stuart Little
*overheard during my 6yo’s Zoom class*
Teacher: Today is the last day of September. What does that make tomorrow?
Boy: January 1?
Girl: Valentine’s Day?
Seems to me these kids are just as ready for 2020 to end as anyone else.
No self-respecting murderer is going to have the patience to stand there for the twenty or thirty hours it’ll take me to dig my own grave.
Boyfriend just put “fresh ginger” on the shopping list.
I’m not even 30 and he’s already replacing me. 🙁
I like to think I’m a nice guy, but I will throat punch anyone who tries to beat me to the buffet table. Sorry gram gram, but them’s the rules.
Coffee so strong I’m starting to believe I’m The Flash.
Alien: We come in peace
Human: Aw man, we hate that
Flamboyant sounds like you’re floating but on fire.
I love all my family members and wouldn’t sell them at any price.
But just for the sake of conversation, give me a ballpark figure.
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
I don’t like coconut so I don’t eat coconut. I don’t follow coconut around criticizing its texture or taste or tweets or sense of humor.
AT&T literally grounded someone of you with loss of telephone privileges.
7yo: Is that you in the picture?
Me: Yes. Isn’t it fun looking at old pictures?
9yo: You look different.
7: Yes, your face was skinnier.
9: Your hair looks way better in the picture.
Me: That’s enough fun for one day.
Nobody:
Every dad at the zoo: look I found your real family
SITCOM IDEA: Career criminal who keeps getting arrested because he hires an official photographer to take pictures of him doing his crimes.
If you’re afraid of getting fat, drink a little before eating. The alcohol should reduce the fear.
Tornadoes and marriage are alike, because they both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.
me: can you calm down
The Leg Bounce™: I literally cannot
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
One time a friend said that he “ain’t never had no nothing”. It remains the only time where I have heard someone use a quadruple negative.
I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.
I never took a drama class but everyone at this birthday believes that I love this gluten free cake.
Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!
My husband: Put on something hot and do a sexy dance for me, baby.
Me: *puts on Snuggie and does the worm*
Kill it with fire!
*douses it in hot sauce*
Alarms are for people without children or puppies
Friend: I love FB but it’s gettin a lil boring.
Me: Well that’s cause all the cool peeps are on Twi- ..uh are all dead. Yeah they all died.
Why can’t Penguins get Christmas gifts? Cause Penguins and Santa Claus are poles apart
[to the person sitting next to me on my flight] where u headed
Me: [in Airplane Mode] Don’t call me
Me: [in Airplane! Mode] Don’t call me Shirley