This job fair has fewer giant turkey legs and sword fights than I thought it would
You Might Also Like
When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place
“Doctor, I’m afraid of people yelling letters of the alphabet at me.”
THERAPIST: Oh! You are? WHY???
Dr: What seems to be the problem?
Me: It’s my hearing, Doctor.
Dr: Can you describe the symptoms?
Me: Mmm, well, there’s Homer, Bart….
ME: And this is my daughter.
HIM: Aww, she’s adorable. Did you name her after the movie?
ME: *Holding my daughter, Air Bud: Golden Receiver* What movie?
Remember: You are like a snowflake. Beautiful. Unique. White. Only here for a short time. People get mad when you sit on their cars.
This bouncer’s lucky I’m with my lady and physically frightened of him or he’d be in a world of pain.
They say a woman deserves a man that looks at her every day like it’s the first time he’s seen her. It’s wrong to promote Alzheimer’s.
Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.
A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.
[doing a sexy skype chat]
GF: show me urs & I’ll show u mine
ME: mmm baby I can’t wait
*we both lower our cams to show each other our dogs*
‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.
A woman just dropped a £10 note next to me. I thought, ‘What would Jesus do?’, so I turned it into wine. I bought wine.
Daddy, where do oranges come from?
Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…
i hate when teachers put “?” on graded work, bro idk what’s going on either
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* BUT WHERE DOES THE STORK GET THE BABY FROM?!?
POTATO MAGICIAN: is this your carb
[Hardware store]
ME: I’ll take one of those giant forks.
WORKER: That’s a rake.
ME: I’m gonna eat so much spaghetti with that thing.
Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
Straight people are cancelled
THEM: I have a story about that person. Someday when I’m drunk enough, I’ll tell you.
ME: [pulls bottle of wine from purse] Let’s do this.
My boss just criticized me, saying that my writing is almost unintelligible and unbecoming a professional, but I don’t think it’s portmantotally malapropriate.
Oh I’m heartbroken over you
Wait, no I was just thirsty, I’m fine
“A beast, you say. Have you tried stabbing it? I see. And your knives, are they steely? Hm. I’ll send someone up right away, sir.”
Licked a frog once.
He didn’t turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.
Love means never having to say you’re sorry.
…so does murder.
so disappointed after seeing this photo & realizing that’s a third llama in the back & not the arm of the right llama ringing a little bell
*Driving by multiple car pile up with police/ambulance on the scene*
Me: Not interested.
*driving by hot chick*
Me: Maybe just a quick glance.
*driving by any home with an open garage*
Me: Oh, damn. Look at all those power tools. Plus that freezer. I gotta drive by again.
When you see a picture of my kids and it’s captioned “The reason I wake up every day” it’s not me being sweet. It’s the truth, I literally cannot sleep-in with these little heathens in the house.
FROM THE FIRST BITE YOU CAN TELL CELERY DOESN’T WANT TO BE EATEN
Is “drunk” an emotion?
Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….