This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….
Long story short….Send bail money…
You Might Also Like
Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔
it’s dangerous to go alone. take this with you
If I was rich I’d have two hedge mazes. One from which there can be no escape. And one for more lighthearted affairs and casual mazing.
I never understood movie scenes where they have to train assassins. just drop me in some hot climate, don’t feed me and I’ll kill everyone.
Volunteer firefighter battles a house fire until 2 am and still goes to work at 6am.
Me: Wakes up at 7 am and contemplates whether to use a smiling or grinning emoji.
Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.
I would follow a stranger into a dark alley if they promised me potato wedges
I’m at a Metallica concert, and the woman beside me just used her phone to google “Metallica.”
I Know What You Did Last Summer Because You’re Still Posting Pics, Enough Already, Fiji Was Amazing, I Get It
i love reading medieval census documents because what’s carl doing in there
Homophobia isnt much about fear, true, but I wish it was more like Arachnaphobia(I heard that every year in your sleep you swallow 7 gays)
My favourite sport is tracking the pizza delivery guy
Yes I am 45, male and love cats. Recently I posted a selfie. It could be worse though, right? Hello?
[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.
Husband: “Why do you ALWAYS have to be on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
In hell you’re given 1 child and you have all of eternity to get that child to finish their dinner.
Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.
Scammers: Hi!
Me: Not like that.
Why roboticize vacuuming? It’s all instant gratification. It’s the crack of cleaning.
when the bartender skips over you for a much hotter customer
Made a special running playlist that’s nothing but zombie moans & shuffling feet. I’ve lost 20 pounds & can run a 4:30 minute mile.
running away to greece is ok. sleeping with 3 men in one summer is ok. not knowing which one of them is the father of ur daughter is ok. encountering the 3 of them at her wedding is ok. only communicating through abba songs is ok. do whatever u need to do to cope.
1: Acquire scuba gear. 2: Strap duck decoy to head. 3: Dive in local pond. 4: Enjoy unlimited free bread crumbs.
2025: The piñatas have become sentient. Children beaten mercilessly w/ sticks. Mariachi music everywhere.
My soul is possessed by fried chicken.
[zoo]
Kid: monkeys are dumb. Why do they keep throwing poop at each other?Me:*on my phone, leaving angry Facebook comments* I know, right?
Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.
how much does a mortician urn in a year
You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.
me: I don’t negotiate with terrorists
wife: she’s three
me: I don’t care how many she is
Questions my toddler asked me this week:
– Which is better, a tree or yogurt?
– Do frogs know that they are frogs?
– Why do they still make regular blueberries when the chocolate ones are better?
– Were you ever alive?How about your kid?