This kid is a star!
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Waiter, Waiter, there’s a small slug in my salad.
I’m so sorry Sir, would you like me to bring you a bigger one?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Instead of cars warning us of stupid things, like the door is open, it should tell us useful things, like there’s a cop hiding in the bushes
Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.
no one:
my roommate at 3:26 am: hey man, did you eat the last Pop-Tart?
So hopping on a bandwagon is bad but falling off the wagon is also bad. Which is it society? Where is the acceptable orientation relative to a wagon?
i BuILt a dEViCE sO yOu CAn efFoRTLesSly sEnD PasSIvE agGreSsiVe emAILs liKE tHiS.
“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”
– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers
You know you’ve really messed up when your teen stops you mid sentence with “Dude. No” then follows it up with “Duuuuuude. Stop”
Me: I am forever in your debt
Bank manager: That is accurate
LinkedIn is a terrible dating site
Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.
I can count the people I trust on my middle finger.
Define “toned.”
-Me to the Creators of all Dating Apps
I really relate to the people in commercials who “didn’t know that.”
my friend’s apartment building burned down so he’s at his parents’ and he still won’t hang out with me. HOW MANY MORE FIRES DO I NEED TO SET
*brushes teeth for seventeen hours straight before dentist appointment*
“Jessica, there is an entire Oreo behind your second molar.”
Hi Walmart, I don’t think mushrooms will work.
If I unfollow you, it’s because of the new follow button or because I don’t like you. Either way I am blaming the new button.
[scooby doo’s wife walks into the kitchen and slams a pile of legal documents onto the table. scooby looks up in shock]
scooby: RIVORCE???
If you were to open my fridge right now, you would ask yourself two things:
1. Why is there so much soy sauce
2. How did you make it past 14 years old
Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time
Whenever people say “anything is possible”, I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.
Last night my mother-in-law read me all her political retweets.
How was your night?
*aliens land in America*
Alien Captain: Take me to your leader!
Me: *heavy sigh* Listen, Bro…this is kind of embarrassing, but…
FRED: right
Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip
Interviewer: Why did you leave your job as a customer service representative?
Me: The phone calls kept interrupting my nap.
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂
My 12 yr. old girl is having a sleepover tonight.
She told me, “DO NOT EMBARRASS ME!”
I’m considering twerking to Ace of Base later.