This kid is going places
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Me (to a baby): Hush little baby don’t say a word. Momma’s gonna buy you a mocking bird
Mom: like hell I’ll buy that kid anything..
*rushing into work*
sorry i’m late. one of my apostles betrayed me last night
they really do be looking like this
I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks
Don’t be afraid to ask questions during a job interview. It’s the best way to find out if the person you’re interviewing is a good candidate for the job.
To its credit, only like 8% of doing the Macarena involves heiling Hitler.
“Alright they’ve left for vacation lets rob em”
Oh shoot their porch lights are on
“So what we literally watched them leave”
Rules are rules
I like to tell my husband “this marriage ends in death” and let him interpret that however he wants.
Picking up women at the bar and then gently setting them down
I think it’s fun that witches chose brooms to fly on, but if I were them, I’d fly on a rifle. This way when you land you have a rifle.
Jesus: *holding bread*
This is my body.
*holding wine*
This is my blood.
*holding a meeting* This could have been an email.
My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.
[Wildebeest being lowered Mission Impossible-style from a helicopter to graze the grasses of Buckingham Palace]
When you go on vacation because your significant other wants to and you want to avoid a fight.
Placation.
I just got really sad thinking about Voldemort trying to enjoy a nice day at the beach but his sunglasses won’t stay on his face
Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.
When you accidentally speak your mind in the company meeting
You think you’re tired? Try being a child who’s been asked to put away their own laundry that’s been washed, folded and delivered to their room for them.
Finally goes to open-mic night. gets on stage. bombs so badly gets arrested for terrorism. #BucketListFails
4: Let’s play.
Me: Ok.
4: You can be the mommy.
Me: Sure.
4: You’ll have to figure out what all the kids eat.
Me: Nope, I’m out.
If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
Vet: I’m afraid I’m going to have to put your horse down
Me: But why?
Vet: It’s very heavy
Anyone: I’m cold
Me: Get a sweatshirt or something I’m not your motherDog: *shivers once*
Me: I WILL USE MY BODY HEAT TO KEEP YOU ALIVE
If you piss me off bad enough and tell me to leave you alone, I will take 30 Adderall and send you cat pictures every 3 minutes for 6 days.
We don’t know what’s in the vaccine. Could be anything. Microchips? Sure. Toxins? Maybe. Predatory birds? Definitely. This is all a plot to fill us full of falcons because the CDC is in the pocket of Big Talon.
me: I would hate to be the Bear of Bad News
my wife: it’s bearer of bad news not Bear of Bad News
Bear of Bad News: lady you don’t know wtf you’re talking about
I can be back in bed in about 16 hours.
~me, every time my alarm goes off
Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.