this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him
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He wasn’t even meant to be at the party, but when she took a bite of the salsa laiden chip and then placed it back in the sauce to reload it, he knew he had just met his soulmate. It was serendoubledipity.
If she didn’t reply to any of your 20 texts, she probably doesn’t have good cell service. Definitely don’t stop texting her
What’s faster than the speed of light?
A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.
I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”
I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home
As I drove into the cemetery, the GPS announced I had reached my final destination.
The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.
FUTURE ME: i’ve come to stop you from wearing that heinous shirt
PRESENT ME: wait shouldn’t you be using time travel to kill hitler or something
FUTURE ME: it’s a really bad shirt jill
This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.
I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.
You can marry for love or you can marry for kidneys, but not both
Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.
Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.
Whenever I see a photo of a baby captioned “this little guy is going to change the world”, I just imagine that baby committing various crimes.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m black??
Cop: Sir, you’re white, driving 90 in a 30.
Me: Racist.
Cop: Get out.
[job interview]
How would you improve our business?
“Dude, I’d bankrupt you in a week. I’m just catchin Pokemon in your office.”
[At the Amnesty International Open Summit]
“OK, let’s put it to a vote, what rights should humans be entitled to?”
Kim Jong-un: “No rights.”
Raúl Castro: “Some rights.”
Matthew McConaughey: “All rights, all rights, all rights.”
parents nowadays: video games are too violent
parents from history times: c’mon kids, let’s go down to the colosseum to watch a murder!
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
My friend told me he weighs himself before and after going to the toilet to see how much his shit weighs and honestly that’s so much better than my method
[product pitch meeting]
BOSS: ok what have you come up with
ME: a turbo walker for seniors
BOSS: but how would their legs even keep up
ME [proudly]: with these roller skates
Thank you corporation very cool
Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?
Practice self-care like Dracula: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
WARNING: Ham radios taste nothing like ham!
cashier: would you like to donate to help fight kids—
me: lemme stop you right there. yes
I’m evidently not allowed to call our impatient billionaire customer “Captain Busypants”
Can some of you who who post pictures of your muscles come over Saturday and help me move?
*First Date
Her: Why are we at Home Depot?
Me: I wanted to see what it’s like to pick out bathroom tile with you. See if this is worth it.