This kid will have a bright future.
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Please stop bullying people into watching TV shows where you just have to make it through the first 3 seasons before it starts getting good.
Him: what are you doing
Me: gas is so cheap right now
Him: ok but–
Me: *continues filling bathtub*
A friend with benefits would just be a bestie with a laser hair removal salon for me.
what is joe biden’s plan to make everything bagels less messy to eat
Left the kids alone in a room with some styrofoam. One just yelled “it’s snowing” and the other started singing jingle bells. What have I done
Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.
Me: I was so happy before I lost my forearms in that shark attack
Therapist: How do you feel now?
Me: With my elbows
8-year-old me: [scrunches face to make it all warped and wrinkly]
Mom: Stop, or your face will stay like that.
[many decades later]
Me: Oh no.
5yo [pulling a baby hat out of a drawer]: Why do we have this? Is this for when we have more babies?
Me: Ye-
Husband: NO MORE BABIES.
happy valentine’s day to me
Cleaning up a murder scene shouldn’t count against you at trial. “It proves you were trying to get away with it.” No, it proves I didn’t want a pool of blood in my kitchen.
You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together & there was only one life jacket, I’d miss you and think of you often.
Me: did you leave out the cookies for Santa?
My Kid: yes.
Me: and the milk?
My Kid: yup!
Me: and the waiver for Santa to sign holding us harmless in the event of food poisoning?
My Kid: (sigh) yes.
I offered Kinkos $5 for this… they said no.
Home improvement
but it’s just me replacing the metal tubes in the neighbor’s wind chimes with tampons.
I will NEVER make the same mistake twice … In a row. They’re in rotation.
Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?
I’m opening a healthy alternative all egg-white omelet breakfast joint.
I really think my “Whites Only!” restaurant idea will be a hit!
coworker: my favourite are samosas. what about you?
me lying about having tried Indian food: I mean how do you argue against samosas
she wears short skirts
I eat pizza
she’s cheer captain
and I’m still eating pizza
Woman: Does Viagra work?
Pharmacist: Yes
Woman: Can you get it over the counter?
Pharmacist: Yes if I take two!
Let’s name him something that will make children smile
“How about Santa?”
Ok but let’s add something fierce so they are afraid to defy him
I am dressed in all grey and a man also dressed in all grey just stared at me and for a second I got very nervous that he thought I was him
PHYSICIST: There are infinite universes, more than you can imagine
ME: That means there exists a universe in which all my tweets are funny
PHYSICIST: Not that many
How does Darth Vader like his steaks? Done done done done da done done da done.
Please don’t block me.
My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills
All my evil plans start with someone slipping on a meticulously placed banana peel.
sex work?? sure does. there’s over 7 billion of us.
I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful
Me asking everyone how they like their burger before I cook them all exactly the same