This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.
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Guys, ladies love a rugged man.
Be like a wolf.
Knock down her house.
Eat her grandmother.
Tear her to shreds.
*makes wolf sounds
infomercial: has this ever happened to yo-
me: no
infomercial: [people failing miserably at everyday tasks]
me: ok listen here
Virtual school adventures
6: I just need a break Dad, I can’t sit here in front of a screen all day.
Me: Okay go ahead and take a break.
6: Can i watch something on my tablet?
My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?
Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
He asked me to do something freaky in the bedroom so I stayed awake for two days
time travel is only valuable to me if it helps me find where I put my keys
[crumpled up paper on floor]
*tries to flip it up like hacky sack*
*tries to flip it up…*
*tries to flip…*
*tries…**leaves it*
Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony
ME: Table…table doesn’t look great
JESUS: Through me you will have eternal life
ME: ok cool but you SPECIFICALLY said you were a carpenter
“What are you doing here?”
I just got fired from the circus
“Oh my”
Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond
*packs 12 books to read on vacation*
im gona read so much i cant wait
[1 wk later]
*opens suitcase*
*somhow has 16 unread books now*
wat the
2yo: Mommy, the baby is being ridiculous!
Me: He is? How?
2yo: *exasperated* Because he won’t talk to me!!
Me:
Why does life keep trying to teach me patience? I don’t want to learn patience!
I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.
[texting with new girlfriend]
Her: What are you doing tonight?
Me (walking through adult section at video store): I dunno, might rent Lady and the Tramp
Her: You’re adorable
Date: I like a guy who’s environmentally aware
Me, pointing outside: that’s a cloud
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken… what
Me: what
I paid a mime good money for a box and now I can’t find it.
I still think “nonfungible” sounds like it means “cannot be turned into a mushroom”.
That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.
To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”
They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.
Back in 2012 my wife & I were the victims of a horrific & terrifying home invasion that left us mentally scarred & unable to sleep. But our daughter’s 5 now & we’ve actually grown quite fond of her.
The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.
I totally get your eyebrows.
My bank account is overdrawn, too.
Nobody ever collects famous first words.
a psychic on the street just said “why don’t you come in for a reading sweetie” and without a beat I said “no thanks I can’t read” and I bet her psychic intuition didn’t warn her I’d say something that stupid
Family zooms are just my kids trying to kill each other in a really small space while somewhere off screen my mum tells us about a friend we’ve never met who has a disease we’ve never heard of