This lady in my bowling league was just hammering strikes and someone asked her “what kind of performance enhancers did you take before this” and she just says “Applebees Wings” and then just blows another strike right down broadway
You Might Also Like
[to hot girl at bus stop as bus approaches]
“I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.”
I refuse to eat at restaurants that say kids are only free one day of the week. Imprisoning children is wrong.
i am genuinely afraid for the people who post on the shitty food reddit
ME: I hit my neighbors car.
CAT: I killed my last 4 owners.
ME: YOU CAN TALK!
CAT: …
ME: Wait, what did you just say?
CAT: *blinks*
How do I even know this guy is my “boss”. I’ve just been taking his word for it
Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you.
Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*
Him: how about we finish dinner and you can show me your bedroom
Me: why wait? *pulls out cellphone and flips through photos of my room*
This is a bad sign
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
[sees giant spider in house]
[tells girlfriend “I got this”]
[slowly rolls up magazine]
[uses magazine as megaphone & yells out the window “SAVE US!!”]
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
A meal so good, you want to position it on a couch and use it as the subject of a charcoal drawing that’ll survive one of the great maritime tragedies in history, only to be recovered 84 years later in a safe full of brine and grime and beautifully restored via mini power washer.
Ah, spring is here. Time to open the windows and remind my neighbors that I know every word to the “Grease” soundtrack.
Che Guevara was such a revolutionary. He revolutionized the t-shirt sales.
Me: I’m a programmer.
Person 1: “make my website pls”
Person 2: “I have a billion dollar idea”
Person 3: “can you fix my printer?”
Person 4: “How do I create a table of contents in Microsoft Word?”
Neighbor: “Can you fix the building’s elevator?”
Billy Joel song- A Matter of Trust
windy day song- A Matter of Gust
affair song- A Matter of Lust
push-up bra song- A Matter of Bust
Swiffer song- A Matter of Dust
rocket launch song- A Matter of Thrust
junkyard song- A Matter of Rust
deep dish pizza song- A Matter of Crust
A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.
What do you get if you cross a bear and a wolf? You get eaten is what you get. Stop upsetting scary animals.
They stopped making ghosts just after the civil war. You’ll never see a ghost with a man bun or hitting a juul
Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…
Was Earth Day something that happened by accident or did somebody planet?
My husband washed my favorite sweatshirt (he’s so sweet) and I said please don’t put it in the dryer, it will shrink.
Husband, taking clothes out of the dryer an hour later, “Here’s your favorite sweatshirt I washed for you! It looks smaller though, weird.”
in french Spongebob is translated literally as “bob l’éponge”, while patrick star is, of course, “patrick étoile” but squidward, for some reason, is called “Carlo”
“I’m not going to eat anything today”
“Pie?”
“Please”
Whenever the Starbucks guy asks for my name I laugh and whisper “I’m seeing someone”
Did you ask her out?
Yes.
And?
She only dates guys named Matt.
Cause she likes to walk all over them?
No, tattoo she can’t afford to remove.
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
Paper cut-outs of coins don’t work in parking meters in case you were thinking of trying this out on your own.
Ladies, the word for the day is “legs.” Spread the word.
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid**checks for abs, finds a clown