This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
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Watson: “Holmes, why are you wrapped in a thin aluminium sheet?”
Holmes: “DAMMIT, FOILED AGAIN!”
[after getting pulled over]
cop: are you registered
me: i don’t vote
cop: i meant the car
me: no it doesn’t vote either
My son made the mistake of telling me I was being overdramatic so I just changed the WiFi password.
We’ll see who’s overdramatic in about 2 minutes.
Prayers for my children who very tragically found vegetables mixed in their mac and cheese.
Paul Walker *dies driving*
Adam Driver *on sidewalk* oh no
Me: [walking into Maternity Ward with my teenagers]: WHAT IS YOUR RETURN POLICY
my cat smells like cigarettes again & i’m sick of his excuses
Tech support: Your hard drive is corrupt and can’t be recovered
Me: So the book I’ve been writing for 5 years has gone forever?!!!
Tech Support: how much had you written?
Me *still in shock* almost 7 sentences
I was waiting for my wife to try on clothes & spoke to this woman for almost 20 minutes until I looked up & noticed her head was missing.
When I was growing up, “Deadpool” was just what we called our neighbors’ hot tub after he mysteriously drowned in it.
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
Making toast in the bathtub just hits differently
me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is
her: ur welcome
me: it really means a lot
“can i talk to you real fast?” no you can talk to me in a normal cadence or not at all
[furniture store]
Wife: We’re putting in a bar.
Salesman: OK
Wife: And…
S: Yes?
W: Go ahead, say it.
Me: WE’RE GONNA NEED A STOOL SAMPLE.
After the loss of his beloved childhood pet Mr. Wiggles, Javier decided to dedicate his life to helping others avoid that kind of heartbreak.
T-REX: listen up pal
AL: my name is al
PTERODACTYL: that’s what he said
took a girl to starbucks because i forgot her name
ad for letuce:
do u- hey do u ever wish u coud eat water
Studying abroad: Spending months in another country.
Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.
Wife: do not eat a bunch of deviled eggs. We got a 3 hour car ride home.
Me: eh it’ll be fine by then they don’t really bother me.
My guts 2 hrs into said car ride: you’re not gonna believe this…
[at a store]
Me: What can you tell me about those sunglasses?
*sunglasses loudly arguing about politics*
Clerk: Well, they’re polarized
me: my mom’s here to visit
him: oh. did you meet her at the bus station?
me: no i’ve pretty much known her my whole life
Friend: excited for your date?
Me: no I just found out what we do at the end
Friend: kiss?
Me: *thinking about tipping* math
I wonder why my book “101 ways to scare the postman” hasn’t arrived yet?
An app similar to Google Maps except it highlights all of the areas in your city that are believed to be haunted.
no one will tell you this but the secret to looking hot in photos is looking hot in real life
I missed you with all my darts