this lady on nextdoor was like “we’ve had this chihuahua for ten years but we had a baby so now we’re getting rid of our dog does anyone want him” and i replied “rehome the baby” and now IM the bad guy?
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Me: I must warn you, I’m like an animal in bed.
Her: That’s fine by me!
*burrows under the covers and falls asleep at the foot of the bed*
The police have asked me to stop sending them cryptic taunting messages until I’ve actually committed a crime
I just realized that there is absolutely nothing stopping me from telling elderly people that I wrote Despacito
Her: Col. Mustard did it in the conservatory with a lead pipe because the victim’s loud chewing drove him to it.
Me: You don’t have to give a motive. *bites into apple* Hey, is that a real lead pi
If you never used that plastic thing that keeps pizza from sticking to the box lid as GI Joe’s poker table you’re too mature for me.
Put this video in the Louvre
Midnight snack: battle between how much you crave food versus how much you don’t want to brush your teeth again
God: you can sting people more than once.
Wasp: I mean that’s-that’s not that big a deal.
God: oh. hey Bee come here for a second.
Bee: what’s up?
God: Wasp, tell Bee what you just told me.
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Interviewer: Says here you train monkeys to read and talk
Me: Yes and you’re doing great *gives him a raisin*
“1-1-9, what’s your non-emergency?”
“Just kidding, you dialed it right. Thought you could use a laugh right about now.”
Trainer: Are you wearing lipstick? Me: OMG no, that’s just wine.
Ever get up, put the dogs out, unclog the overflowing toilet the wife left for you, get dressed for work, let the dogs in and then wake up in the easy chair and find you’re 20 minutes late?
I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.
*pretty girl walks by and doesn’t make eye contact*
She must be intimidated that I manage a fantasy football team that is 8-1
This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”
*Pets a blob in the dark to see if its my cat*
*I’m still not sure*
If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “Leg day at the gym.”
Using cruise control on the highway so I can practice karate
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is really just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, if you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
Take 1/5th the $ car insurance companies spend on advertising, apply it to health care, and everyone can have golden organs and never die.
that wasn’t the question
Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!
Maybe your parents told you a watched pot never boils so you wouldn’t go around sticking your face near boiling water, idiot.
Does anyone remember that annoying song Barbie Girl by Aqua?
You do now.
me: I’m on a new sugar free diet and I’m getting withdrawals pains
friend: how long has it been
me (looking at watch): 4 hours
Maybe the environment should adapt to accommodate our negligence did it ever think about that
do you guys realize there’s a planet in our solar system entirely inhabited by robots