this lady on nextdoor was like “we’ve had this chihuahua for ten years but we had a baby so now we’re getting rid of our dog does anyone want him” and i replied “rehome the baby” and now IM the bad guy?
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*wipes off Chapstick
Weigh me now
[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…
It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity
My friend (an X-ray tech) started dating a new guy and frankly I don’t know what she sees in him
Twilight is the literary World War I: you thought this was as bad as it could get, but then WWII/Fifty Shades happened.
How to cure a headache
1. Drink a glass of water.
2. Take 10 deep breathes.
3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.
PHILOSOPHERS: We don’t know how the mind and body are connected
ME (who has a mind and a body): oh no!
Sorry for the way I’m dressed I have a scuba class after the funeral
In a parallel universe, there’s a grandma hiding in a wolf’s den, dressed up as a wolf waiting for its cub to return so she can eat it
Never judge a book by its cover…
Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.
The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash
I got locked out of my house after having dinner at an Italian restaurant. I had gnocchi.
Surgeon: I need someone to unroll this bandage, stat!
Cat nurse, excitedly: I’ve got this.
“I DON’T CARE IF YOU THINK IT SOUNDS GROSS THAT’S WHAT WE’RE CALLING IT” – Guy who named the sweater.
Am I relying on you to cover up all these blood stains after murdering my ex?
BLEACH I MIGHT BE
Fun fact: Taking a box of condoms to the pharmacist’s window and asking for the fitting room will get you thrown out of Target.
Government: “you need to post salary ranges on all of your job openings”
Companies: “okay, the typical salary range for this role is usually between $17,000 and $2,500,000 per year”
I have a mice problem so I lay out tiny red and blue bandanas in hopes they start a west coast/east coast thing and take care of each other.
co-worker: kinda weird how batman takes a kid out at night to punch felons
bruce wayne: [across the room] i dunno kinda sounds like you guys are just making it weird
APPLE GENIUS: [looks around nervously] if I had a criticism of this phone it would be that-
{trapdoor}
NEW APPLE GENIUS: that it’s perfect.
I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.
I’ve reached that age where I don’t have to drink to forget because it just happens naturally now.
My 89 y/o grandmother, who is isolated at home in CT, just told me she reads the replies to my tweets and then investigates the profiles of people who leave rude replies. So don’t be mean to me or my grandma will judge you.
My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10
[family vacation]
Son: how much farther?
Me: call me dad
@funTweeters
For “Mean Tweets”Oh I see now, those aren’t your measurements, it’s the fluctuations in your IQ score!
Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.
The guy at work who giggles every time the clock hits 4:20 can’t figure out why he keeps getting “randomly” drug tested.
Me: I’m hard at work
HR: this is why you’re fired