This lady on the train has that raspy, cigarette, alcohol, at death’s door kinda voice. I’ma see if she’ll record my voice mail message.
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*Me getting pulled over*
Me:license and registration please?
Guy police officer :I pulled u over..
Me:do u really want to argue with me?
Gonna turn my life around!
[10 min later]
Oh well, I tried.
Cop: You swerved into the other lane…do you know how fast you were driving?
Me: did I look like I was paying attention?
On more than one occasion I’ve canceled plans because I was too full of calzone.
Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?
Me: I need to get something off my chest
My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME
Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.
i got pulled over & my vape was in my cup holder & the cop was like “u know the news saying those things are killing people”
i laughed a lil bit & said “they say the same thing about yall lol”
he ain’t laugh
Mom: I think I’m gonna make a twitter
Me: Mom it costs like $500 a year…
Mom: That’s expensive I’ll stick with Facebook
Me: Aww too bad
My dog asked what it was like to be human, so I told him that talking was a good start.
Hi..You’ve reached my voicemail. I could come to the phone right now but I saw your name on caller ID so leave a message..or not.
Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.
Two things I have learned at the beach:
1. Surfers are some of the nicest humans on the planet
2. Pelicans are the honey badgers of the bird world. If you’re standing next to a fish in the ocean, they don’t care one bit. They’ll dive & splash one foot from you & eat that fish.
Girl said she wanted to have my babies so I invited her over. But she didn’t look happy when I told her to put them to bed by 8 and went out
WIFE: How could you spend our money on this?
ME: *Dressing ducklings in tiny raincoats* They live outside, Karen. They need this.
4: Let’s hunt turkeys, Daddy.
Me: How do we do that?
4: Put up a big sign that says, “Come here, Turkeys!”
I might be raising Elmer Fudd.
M: Twitter has helped me tremendously as a writer, as it demands tightness and brevity.
Friend: What do you write?
M: Oh, only tweets now.
My OnlyFans is just me loading the dishwasher correctly.
Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?
Me: Ice cream
I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.
i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking
my wife and I watching Popeye together but she covers my eyes during the scary bits (when he goes all bulgy and gets belligerent)
The human race won’t go extinct when our blood turns into high fructose corn syrup
Our demise will come when hummingbirds figure it out
You definitely shouldn’t go to Costco and buy the giant box of frozen mozzarella sticks so you and your family can eat them whenever you want. We are not ready for that as a species.
Hate seeing birds walking to their destination. It’s disingenuous. They’re just doing gravity tourism. Get back in the sky where you belong.
me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the…the drinking kind
friend: this has been the worst day of my life
me, an aspiring motivational life coach: worst day of your life SO FAR
Sometimes I think the human body is amazing, how it can fight disease, heal from injury, create new life, and other times it let’s me choke on my own spit.
Nobody puts baby in a corndog.
my 7 year old said Batman was his favorite animal and it was too late to switch mine