This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement

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Two things I learned this weekend are:

1. I’m not too old to get in a hammock.

2. I’m too old to get out of a hammock.


Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.


Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!


I’m gonna be in trouble when my kids are older and realize how much of my parenting advice is just Kenny Rogers lyrics.


Told my daughter work was tough today and she patted my back and said, “Life isn’t always pickles and peaches,” like some kind of 3rd Grade Confucius.


Cat Negotiator: Ok, so we’ll shit in a box in your house and you will clean it up
Humans: And you will be a loyal friend
Cat: hahahaha sure


GOOD COP: He won’t talk except in sign language

BAD COP: I just cut off his left hand

BAD PUN COP: He still has the right to remain silent


You can still be mysterious after over sharing cause in that moment everyone is thinking “why would she say that”


My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.