@HuffPostComedy

This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement

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@cravin4

Two things I learned this weekend are:

1. I’m not too old to get in a hammock.

2. I’m too old to get out of a hammock.

@Lisabug74

Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.

@kitkova

Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!

@LoveNLunchmeat

I’m gonna be in trouble when my kids are older and realize how much of my parenting advice is just Kenny Rogers lyrics.

@Dad_At_Law

Told my daughter work was tough today and she patted my back and said, “Life isn’t always pickles and peaches,” like some kind of 3rd Grade Confucius.

@longwall26

Cat Negotiator: Ok, so we’ll shit in a box in your house and you will clean it up
Humans: And you will be a loyal friend
Cat: hahahaha sure

@daemonic3

GOOD COP: He won’t talk except in sign language

BAD COP: I just cut off his left hand

BAD PUN COP: He still has the right to remain silent

@ChaviStHill

You can still be mysterious after over sharing cause in that moment everyone is thinking “why would she say that”

@Cheeseboy22

My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.