This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement
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Hubs: You can play outside for 5 more minutes as long as you don’t throw a tantrum when I tell you to come in.
6yo: I might not throw a tantrum. Or I might throw a little tantrum. I don’t know. We’ll see.
[at the store]
Me: Your powers are weak, old man
Wife: …
Me: The force is strong with this one
Wife: …
Me: Together we can rule the galaxy
Wife: …
Me: Luuuuuuuke, I am your father
Wife: Can you just pick out a damn fan already?
[showing new guy around office]
Me: Watch out for that guy, he has a short fuse, haha.
New guy: He said the same about you, haha.
Me: *throws coffee mug at wall* HE NEEDS TO SHUT HIS STUPID MOUTH!
Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the new hiding your report card from your parents.
Me: Leonard Nimoy died today.
Co-worker: From Star Wars?*goes home*
Wife: How was your day?
Me: Leonard Nimoy and a co-worker died today.
me: 867-5309… and this is your REAL phone number?
her: yeah, sure
Shouldn’t it be spelled “Ciclops” with one i?
Back in my day we didn’t wear helmets while riding our bikes. We just laid there unconscious until someone came and got us for dinner
ENEMY: can you smell that? That’s fear.
ME: the baked goods?
ENEMY: no. focus on your fear.
ME: we must be knife fighting behind a bakery
POUTINE TIMELINE
9 PM: I could go for a poutine
9:15: This is god’s delicious gift
9:17: I made a mistake. How could one human fit this much gravy inside them
9:30: When the coroner examines my body he will die from contact sodium poisoning
11 PM: I could go for a poutine
Ok hear me out ….A smoke detector that turns off when you scream “I’m only cooking “
Warring nations should hurl their politicians at each other.
I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.
In my next life I’m coming back with money and good looks. This great personality shit is not working.
Before grocery trip: only getting healthy essentials
After grocery trip: how many grams of protein are in these Doritos?
[Getting lucky on the first date]
Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!
Me: *works out entire body a lot*
Arms: Lol no
Abs: Ehhh
Butt: haha what
Thighs: I WILL BE THE LARGEST IN THE UNIVERSE
Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?
Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine
[looking at our kids baby photos]
me: ugh, this one came out real bad
wife: oh yeh, just get rid of it
me: ok. *shouting* TIMMY! PACK YOUR BAGS
Me: spreads bacon grease on my toast
Also me: how did I gain weight this week?
They need a coach to help people deplane. “You can do this… grab your bag. You got it. Now go! GO! GO! Get off the plane, you idiot!”
I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.
“Trust your gut”
the thing that can’t handle spicy foods? Okay, sure
I always go the extra mile at work. That’s why I’m a terrible taxi driver.
Don’t just argue the point, continue the argument long after it’s over. Hold your ground. If they’re dead, don’t let them pull evasive maneuvers like that. Go to the cemetery, and yell at their tombstone.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, we’re still well below my average.
just read an article that said stray dogs will “elect” the cute dogs in the group to approach ppl cause they come back with more food. u little shits think u can manipulate me well u absolutely can here have my entire lunch
Why do I say “no” to necklaces? Oh, I dunno, maybe it’s because I’m not gonna do fully 50% of a strangler’s job for him.
[Jesus as a Doordash driver]
[Eats your fish and chips]
[Delivers double your original order]