This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
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So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?
Shampoo is much more marketable than it’s original name, Shamshit.
I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.
I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.
[small-town McDonald’s cashier holds bill up to light, studies it]
Me: You get a lot of counterfeit fives around here?
People who tuck their shirts into sweatpants…are you okay?
Sexy Time:
*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*
My mom worries about me too much. We were having a phone conversation till she dropped her phone. She picks it up and asks “are you OK?”
The International Space Station was assembled IN SPACE.
I can’t follow one page of illustrated instructions to assemble an IKEA dresser.
Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht
I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.
Saw a man at the beach screaming, “SAVE ME..I’m drowning”.
I instantly uploaded
his pic, captioned “1 like = 100 prayers” on facebook..!!
Wasn’t wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy’s gym bag. How’s your night going?!
I’m on a diet and a nice thing about it is that, when I’m eating less, my mind is so much clearer and I can see that all that really matters is food
Today is going to be a good day. I can feel it.
*finds there’s no coffee*
{Mood swing in 3…2…1…}
*girl calls me daddy*
*hammer appears in my hand*
“oh no”
*I start building a deck*
“what have you done”
*grill turns itself on*
*kids walking
Me: Come on, boys! We have to hurry!
Kids: Okay!
*continue walking at exactly the same pace
I bet you wouldn’t stand on a running horse and jump through a flaming hoop of fire for me. Yeah, that’s smart.
The government is worried aliens will invade us but I’m worried the aliens will be sexy. I’m in my 30s. I’m ready to settle down. I’m too old to have a crush on someone living 6 or 7 galaxies away. Long distance is hard enough on the same planet. It’s just not realistic.
My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.
HEY JUST BECAUSE YOU HAD A KID DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STOP POSTING PICTURES OF YOUR DOG
“Owen, you must hide this baby from Anakin Skywalker at all costs.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“That’s cool.”
whelp that’s enough instagram for today
What I did to that ice cream is illegal is some states.
since people are posting their 2022 accomplishments I’d like to share that in April, I went to put a bowl of soup in the microwave but absentmindedly stuck it in the oven and spent 10 mins freaking out that the microwave had somehow zapped my soup into the void
Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.
date: tell me about yourself
me: I want to kill the moon
date: I have a bit of a dark side too
me: [narrows eyes]
I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.
Like Customs, for example.