This looks like a job for..
*I rip open my jacket*
Jacket Repair Man!
*I sew my jacket back together*
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A haunted house but for your spouse and lurking behind every corner is a larger and larger Amazon box.
It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside…
As a joke I suggested to my 10yo that he was getting diapers for Christmas so he wouldn’t have to stop gaming even for a moment, and Reader, he hesitated.
What Kermit (the frog) is called in different countries:
10. Kermit (Denmark)
9. Kermit (France)
8. Kermit (Japan)
7. Kermit (Slovakia)
6. Kermit (Italy)
5. Kermit (Canada)
4. Kermit (Iceland)
3. Kermit (the Netherlands)
2. Kermit (Poland)
1. Gustavo (Spain)
COWORKER: I’m my own biggest critic.
ME: Haha, trust me. You aren’t.
Wife: Why is there a bouncy castle in the garden?
Me out of breath with no shoes on: I’m not sure.
I’m pretty bad at math until someone orders mozzarella sticks for the table.
My kid is learning about environment and climate change at school, so everytime I yell any instructions, he goes “noise pollution, noise pollution”
Client said she needs to “find her zen” during our mediation and I don’t think she knows that mediation and meditation are two diff things.
an alarm clock that sounds like a cat throwing up in your bed
toddler: Lets go get a cake
wife: Why?
toddler: It’s somebody’s birthday somewhere
me *grabbing my keys* Can’t argue with that
me: my cup runneth over…
sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.
The danger of me asking why people don’t like Taylor Swift’s new boyfriend is that someone might tell me.
What base is it when he watches you slip off your bar stool with a mouthful of nachos?
[deathbed]
ME: Dear?
WIFE: I’m here…don’t worry, all your affairs are in order
ME: You found out about my affairs?
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?
[at séance]
Me: If you truly are a ghost why don’t you move this object
Ghost: If you truly are a human why don’t you get your shit together
[Throwing change in a well]
Me: I wish you well.
Well: I already am a well.
My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.
“Welcome to money management. Have you all paid your $200 entrance fee?”
“Yes”
“Excellent, never give money to strangers. Class dismissed”
Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower.
But I’ll be telling everyone it’s from having sex while skydiving.
Darth Vader: “Listen Luke, this is a new arrangement for both of us. Let’s not force things. Just let me know if you need a hand.”
birds: it’s peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
“Sorry, boss. I can’t come in today.”
“Why not?”
[fakes a sore throat]
“I’m in jail for vehicular manslaughter.”
I used to think that ‘Gun point’ and ‘Knife point’ were real places. I’d see or hear media reports about things like; ‘man robbed at knife point’ and think ‘ooh, never want to go there, too much crime.’
*gazing up at stars*
Her (whispering): is that the Big Dipper?
Me (a barista): actually the technical term for it is Venti Dipper
The struggle is real in NY #Snowmageddon2015 #snowpocalypse
I don’t believe in lying to children… unless it’s about where the good snacks are hidden. Then it’s fine