This looks like a job for Superman!
-unemployed Superman reading the classifieds
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😏😏😏
The most useful lesson I learned from my cat is if somebody puts clothing on you, just freeze and flop over on your side.
Wife: [eyes me suspiciously] have you been using my shampoo and conditioner again?
Me: [brushing my volumized, shiny, tangle-free, plumeria & jasmine smelling hair] no.
6: Dad, let’s make a deal. Let me be in charge of everything, and I’ll let you have 10 coffees a day, also you can have…
Me: Sold!
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going out and spending hours talking and drinking we can spend hours waiting for a toddler to eat a chicken tender.
Shout out to the kidney bean, the trachea celery, the gall bladder peanut and other foods named after internal organs.
Eating an expensive steak is good and all but have you ever ordered wings at a classy restaurant, love the look on the waiter’s face.
‘You probably have to pee soon, huh?’
~ The monster under my bed
what’s even the ecological purpose of mosquitoes? to feed the birds ?? can’t we all just chip in like $5 each and buy a bunch of birdseeds from costco and cancel the mosquitoes ???
Nursery owner helping me load plants, “Your car looks just like mine.”
“You have a Crosstrek too” I ask.
“No, lots of wine bags.”
‘Chicks dig scars’ I quietly sob after nicking my thumb on a cat food lid
A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay
People often say to me ‘Please stop making up stories in an effort to become popular’ and to them I say ‘I can’t help it. My mother was Jessica Fletcher’.
Whenever my friends make drunk plans for brunch, I always feel like a shark tank judge. I’m like “You have no real plan, I’ve seen this idea fall apart before, and I know for a fact that you don’t have the money. For these reasons, I am out.”
If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it’s horn in my mouth.
People who are “more than happy” should donate serotonin.
“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”
*Kanye slowly sits down*
Him You’re the reason I’m up at night
Me: Awww
Him: Please stop calling me at 2am
Mark my words, but use something erasable cause I change my mind a lot.
Run yourself luxurious baths, while you’re still young and fit to climb in and out!
– You got so drunk last night, you were dancing on the table in your underwear!!
– Me? In my underwear? You must have left early.
It went from “Oh, you guys really want to get to know your mom” to “Why are you asking me all these questions?” to “Which of my accounts are you trying to get into?”
[overhears wife complaining about me on phone] he’s always overreacting and making a mess
*spits chocolate milk everywhere* ARE YOU SERIOUS?
The Onion went on a tear in the last 12 hours and then this happened
Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony
[Walk into a Cat Cafe]
Me-I’ve never eaten cat. What do you recommend?
Lady-They’re for adopting not eating
M-Oh, well can I adopt one?
L-No
person: can you keep a secret?
me: I’ll never share what you say but it will weigh on me and negatively affect my life
person: oh thank god
[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]
Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise