This looks like Wile E. Coyote trying to catch a hypochondriac Roadrunner:
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If the CIA has my house bugged they’ve heard several impromptu songs about my dog being a good boy.
Greek yogurt should have Greek names.
“What flavor you got?”
“Strawberry-Banananopoulos”
Finally
Dear ads, I have the buying power of a Victorian milkmaid
🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶
I spent tonight convincing my toddler that naps are different than sleep so even if she won’t go to sleep she can at least nap, what I’m saying is, don’t mess with moms, we got game
You know when you’ve taken your glasses off but it feels like they’re still on your head? I’m like that but with pants. I’ve literally just touched my head but my pants weren’t there.
Me: Can you bring me a burrito
Him: you want me to come over?
Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.
*Buys Samsung smart fridge. Opens app every 15 minutes to see if there’s anything good in there*
Nobody:
Dog: OMG HE LOOKED IN THE GENERAL DIRECTION OF MY LEASH WE’RE GOING FOR A WALK I’M READY C’MON LET’S GO NOW PUT YOUR SHOES ON NOW HERE LET ME HELP I HAVE YOUR SOCK OK LET’S GO WALK!!!
I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.
FBI AGENT: [lifting crime scene tape and walking in] dale howard, fbi
ME: [following him] bob vulfov, looking for a bathroom
Fifty Shades of Grey is only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he was living in a trailer park it would be a Criminal Minds episode.
can’t wait for 65 million years after we’re extinct and whatever race is in charge makes human-shaped chicken nuggets
Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.
Raggedy Andy knew he was becoming a man when he noticed yarn where there wasn’t yarn before.
Goodnight stars. Goodnight air. Goodnight 30-50 feral hogs everywhere
Me: HAIL SATAN!!
Her: What?
Me: I mean, your sister is on the phone.
Im losing my mind and can’t remember when I’ve already done things.
Case in point: My fish are actually looking obese.
[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15
Want to know the real reason behind the egg shortage?
Henopause
Annnd, send tweet.
Twinkle twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car,
Throw you off a street so high,
Hope you break your neck and die.
If my yogurt drink which included “billions of live and active cultures” expired three days ago, did I just have a mass funeral in my belly?
If I’m ever snowed-in somewhere hope it’s a place that serves mushroom swiss burgers.
My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.
Husband: “They say humans are not meant to multitask.”
Me: *cooking dinner while holding toddler while signing permission slip with foot while shooting lasers from eyes at him* “You don’t say.”
Ate shrooms & I feel nothing. Just an awful taste in my mouth. Also the dealer overcharged me. Also he’s a centaur with spiders for lips