This looks nothing like what I ordered…
WTF is this????
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Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too
Me: I don’t run.
Bees: Let’s see.
Coworker: Pass your random drug test?
Me: With flying colors!
CW: Really?
Me. So many colors!
CW: You’re high right now aren’t you?
[first day after lying on my job application]
me: can we pull over at a mcdonalds or something
co-pilot: what
[guy inventing wicker furniture]
think I might knit myself a chair
[inventing allergies]
god: make them feel like shit
angel: from what
god: outside
Me: I’m heading to the grocery store. Any requests?
12-year-old: You know the stuff you usually buy?
Me: Yeah.
12: Don’t get any of it.
3: My mask is gonna keep my nose safe so my boogers don’t fall out of my body
My girlfriend’s daughter was laying across my legs.
Me: What am I a pillow now?
Her: Yep, and pillows don’t talk.
I think we’re bonding.
Give a dad a fish and save him a trip to Costco.
Teach a dad to fish and you can throw wild parties while he’s away on fishing weekends.
Girls love it when guys:
– are respectful
– are handsome
– eat watermelon really fast and spit out the seeds like a machine gun
If I didn’t have an imaginary friend as a child does it mean that somewhere at some point in time I WAS the imaginary friend?
Just installed an egg cannon on the hood of my car. Flipping people off and cursing at them just doesn’t satisfy me anymore.
Friend: Have you ever experienced a haunting?
Me: I have and it’s unrelenting.
Friend: Sounds awful.
Me: It is. I’m haunted by all of the desserts I never ate.
Friend:
Me: The chocolate cheesecake is the most terrifying.
Liam Neeson stars as an evil owner of a haunted cemetery in a creepy new Halloween thriller. His catch phrase is “I have a particular set of skulls.”
Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 😎
“You know who needs more attention? Celebrities. Maybe we could give them trophies or something.” Good idea, Oscar. What’d you have in mind?
Me: That was fun! Fist me!
Him: What?!
Me: Fist me!! *holds out knuckles*
Him: …..
Kissing the back of someone’s neck is a sensuous thing to do.
Unless it’s a stranger in a queue in Primark.
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: they stole all my jeff goldblum spoken word poetry albums so you tell me
I parent like I dance. Badly but with enthusiasm.
Doctor: I’m going to listen to your lungs so just breathe normal.
Me: Well now you’ve made THAT nearly impossible.
Awesome parenting 😂
Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.
When your 1st kid crawls into your bed, you carry them back to theirs. 2nd kid crawls into your bed, you let them stay because you’re tired. When the 3rd kid gets into your bed, you go sleep in theirs and it’s the best night you’ve had in 8 years.
I taught my 7yo chess and she’s created a lengthy backstory about how this once-peaceful community came to odds and a lengthy battle ensued. I am now of the mind that all chess should have a plot.
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
cold water immersion sounds cool but i’m doing this other thing called warm bed immersion
Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold
Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*