This made me laugh more than it should’ve 😭
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5: I’ll fix it when you say “sorry” fifty times
3: ok. sorry fifty times
*everytime I introduce dad*
this is the man who’s not proud of me
I’ve noticed eating popcorn during video calls tends to get them wrapped right up. Give it a go.
Holiday anxiety is the most festive of all the anxieties.
“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met
He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go
Tbh I don’t even wanna know what they did
Them: You’ve changed.
Me: hmm doesn’t sound like something I’d do.
*buys 8 first class tickets, fills all of them with infants and toddlers*
Me, from way back in coach: *cups hands* SUCK IT RICH PEOPLE
Traffic cop: Just blow into this for me sir.
Man in car: But that’s a balloon.
Traffic cop: if you just cooperate sir, it’ll soon be a dog.
Dentist: I’m going to take your tooth out
Me: Ok then
[later that evening]
Dentist: Well this is nice
My tooth: I’m having a lovely time
Fact: you spend an average of 3.7 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the ‘damn’ paprika
[zombie apocalypse]
SURVIVOR: That Chuck E. Cheese looks safe let’s take shelter in it
ME: *banned from all Chuck E. Cheese’s for tongue kissing the animatronic rat* You guys go ahead
Am I a decent cook who can turn out a killer meal? yes
Will you sometimes still find paper from the stick of butter in my pan? also yes
1: How old is James Earl Jones?
2: She’s 30
1: OMG WHAT?
Judge: Your charge is burning down your neighbors house
Me: Your Honor they hung baskets of plastic flowers on their porch!
J: Not Guilty!
We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.
Detective Baby: We got you dead to rights, dirtbag.
*suspect puts face in hands*
Detective Baby: HE’S ESCAPED
Them: Can you imagine jogging—
Me: No
Them: —in this heat
Me:
Me as a therapist: omg same
When the Visa bill comes and your wife asks what are the 5 OnlyFans charges each month, just tell her they are for your Fantasy Sports Leagues.
zoologist 1: whale
zoologist 2: we used that name already
zoologist 1: shark
zoologist 2: we used that name too
zoologist 1: whale-shark
zoologist 2: hot dog you’ve done it again sir
[couple who talks via walkie talkie]
GIRL: [into walkie] this relationship is over, over
GUY: *cries into walkie* it’s roger isn’t it?? over
My most difficult parenting challenge to date is when my toddler shouted “oh my god, not again!” when my over talkative neighbour came to chat to us and I had to try not to laugh
Looks like the mayor is getting serious.
Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.
Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.
Somebody had to say it.
I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.
Just when you think you’re raising a normal child, one day you look at your 10 y/o and she’s biting into the middle of the taco first.
“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
“Is it something I said?”
“Yes.”