this made my day 😂
You Might Also Like
Three men are on a boat
They have four cigarettes but nothing to light them with.
So?
So they throw one cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
COWORKER: you got like 8 hickeys. Must’ve been a fun weekend haha
ME (remembering not to talk about octopus fight club): yea it got pretty wild
The enema of your enema is your friend!
~ Autocorrect wisdom
creepy kid: I see dead people
me: I see people I want dead
creepy kid: but they don’t know they’re dead
me: [racks shotgun] same
“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich
“Omelet you finish.”
– Kanyegg West
me: what kind of dog is that?
him: husky
me: sorry, *deep raspy voice* what kind of dog is that?
Sid Miller out here wasting a week’s worth of drafts in the past hour.
it’s gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill
When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time
There’s no “I” in meat, but there’s “me” and “eat”, and I don’t know how vegans can argue with that logic.
I’m sorry I dropped your baby and doubly sorry I nudged it under the crib with my foot so you wouldn’t notice.
My kid told me whenever I don’t wear makeup everyone thinks I look tired. So now we’re playing a fun game of going through the church photo directory to find out exactly who said that about mommy
Death: your time has come.
Me: no! not now!
Death: yes now.
Me: but… I have to poop?
Death: ……damn it. Go on then.
Me: wow that actually worked.
My toddler: *nods sagely*
me: I need to speak with the megaster
megachurch pastor: we’re still called ministers
Dear Samsung,
please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.
Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.
Dodgeball in gym class…
because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.
Michael Myers in his 60’s walking around killing people like he got no lower back pain
I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.
*Buys map of world, pins it up on wall*
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Visits the middle of the Atlantic Ocean*
I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.
Daddy! Tell me a story..
The Tooth Fairy is really a wicked witch, who takes all your teeth if you sleep with your mouth open.
Good night.
Them: Here’s a vague event invitation.
Me: I’m gonna need more info to work out if it’s accessible – food options, how many people going, is it indoors, COVID precautions…
Them: No worries if you can’t make it. [No further info provided].
Me: Thanks. I guess 🫠.
WIFE: You’re not going to the costume party dressed like that!
ME: DONALD DUCK DOESN’T WEAR PANTS, BRENDA!!
I’m surprised so few people ask me why I’m carrying a cudgel around.
people act like Marie Kondo held them at gunpoint and forced them to burn their books when her suggestions are all things like “maybe throwing out all those expired coupons in your drawer might make your life a little easier? if you love your expired coupons though enjoy them!!”
movie theater manager: im sorry no outside drinks
me: are you kidding me right now
my date: (the kool aid man) it’s fine we’ll just go somewhere else
shakespeare: to sleep, perchance to dream
me: *lies wide awake in bed wondering what “perchance” means*
Just flipped my mattress, should have woke up my wife first