This makes total sense…
You Might Also Like
I don’t know why these at-home workouts aren’t working yet, I watch like 6 of these videos a day
I want to surprise my boyfriend by sending him a sexy pic while he’s at work, but I can’t decide what outfit to put on the cat.
“Plumber kept hitting things with his head, attempted to climb INTO drain, took my coin collection, killed my pet turtle.
0/10 stars, would not recommend.”
– Super Mario Bros. Online review
If Tetris has taught me anything it’s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.
[first date]
“What’s wrong?”
I don’t like the ambulance in this place
[sniggering] “You mean ambience”
[next table] NEE NAW NEE NAW WOOOOOO
ME: Did you know an octopus has 3 hearts?
WIFE: Wow, that’s two more than most of your tweets get lmfao
date: what do you do for a living?
me: i make trojan horses
date: that’s not what i’d expect
me: yah that’s the idea
The dude who designed almond-milk cartons to look exactly like chicken-broth cartons should have to drink the coffee I just made.
You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.
– Me, flirting.
My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
In Hell, you enter email addresses & passwords using video game controllers for ever.
I just did a google search for “Gender reveal gone wrong” and great googly moogly.
More than one family in Florida has incorporated alligators into their gender reveal nonsense. MORE THAN ONE.
And a car in Australia exploded over the summer.
So cis people are super normal
Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.
😂😂😂😂😂😂
I can tolerate a lot of the familial depravity in #HouseOfTheDragon but I gotta draw the line at someone naming both of their twins Eric
On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.
Gonna install a mirror inside my fridge so that every time I open it to look for a snack, it’s always there.
Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.
An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.
Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?
I drunk an energy drink thinking it will help me stay up to write an exam. But instead my brain has just read wikipedia pages for 3 different type of fish and searched throught 20 etsy pages. So this was a bad idea
Don’t get why guys complain about “sleeping on the couch”
I pay good money to sleep on the couch, but I wish the shrink would shut up.
My buddy used to say “why should I wash my towels? After I shower, I’m the cleanest thing in the room.” He’s still single.
Welcome to woodworking club, please make a seat.
Me: Sometimes you just gotta dance like no one is watching.
Anesthesiologist: But right now I need you to hold still
What do you call a potato/corn crime fighting duo?
Starchy and Husk
I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.
Was listening to Linkin Park and a student said “I didn’t know you liked oldies!”
These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.