@_Happy_Gilmore

This makes total sense…

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@TheReal_AndyMac

When a woman says, “We need to talk”, it’s no good. Never has a woman said, “We need to talk” and followed it up with “about pillow forts”.

@spaceboyriley

Airport security: no liquids on the plane

Me: ok *starts drinking it*

Airport security: people usually just throw away the shampoo

@_little_old_me

I’m not saying I’m a mythical creature, I’m just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.

@ShortSleeveSuit

Gazing at nature’s majesty, I am one with the woods. This is where I belong, I muse as I’m drilled with a paintball and promptly eliminated

@jenspyra

I appreciate that the saleslady informed me I’d be more comfortable in a 36B cup size, but this is a Best Buy & I’m looking for humidifiers.

@kiel_phillips

ME: Dave’s coming over for tea

WIFE: Dave from work or Dave I’m having a secret affair with?

DAVE: *from inside wardrobe* I don’t eat peas

@JediGigi

Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.

@nealbrennan

Nothing is guaranteed to be less funny than when an NPR host says, “You know, it’s funny…”

@truegritrumble

ME: I’m allergic to suggestions.
FRIEND: You should get that checked out.
ME: *swelling up like a balloon* You’re not the boss of me.

@Social_Mime

When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.