This makes total sense…
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[blind date]
HER: i love classic rock
ME: (trying to impress) i’ve been to Stonehenge
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
ME: do you have a USB wire thingy so I can charge while driving my Honda?
BEST BUY EMPLOYEE: a cord?
ME: no, it’s a Civic
*dog walks into a pet store wearing a fake moustache*
“Hello sir or ma’am I would like to lovingly adopt your most delicious cat”
School winter break
Dec 22, 2021 –
People who live in glass houses should install frosted glass around the toilet part.
Me: I’m making home made soup.
H: Nice, what’s in it?
Me: *Reads ingredients from packet.
[begging for change]
POLICE OFFICER: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
ME: *slamming fists against claw machine* but I’m SO CLOSE
POLICE OFFICER: it’s my turn
trying to convince my wife to stop leaving out food for the scarecrow that ominously gets a little closer to the house each night
ex: i wish you well
me: i hope you fall into one
Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.
Her: Why do you have a copy of 50 Shades of Grey in your bathroom? Perv!
Me: Oh. No that’s just for when I run out of toilet paper.
[Zoom call]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: [going to the bathroom]
Boss: Can you hear me?
Me: [getting another beer]
Boss: I think he’s on mute.
Me: [getting chips]
Boss: Hello?
Me: sorry I was on mute
I had an interesting talk with my son’s Sunday School teacher because apparently, when she asked the kids for the next line to Jesus Loves Me this I know, he shouted out “Cause Stone Cold says so” instead and now the rest of the class won’t stop doing it.
Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.
Me: *goes for midnight jog*
My boss: *pops out of trash can* RUNNING LATE AGAIN I SEE
I feel like this would increase accidents because if I saw that I would assume it’s a demon arriving to drag my soul to hell.
How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?
the 2yr old is walking around going, “sus, sus,” and I wondered what I was doing to have him question my motives.
turns out he just wanted apple sauce
Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.
I once asked for their policy on afternoon naps at a job interview.
…turns out they don’t like that.
this post was so formative to me
Never understood why people train their dogs to sit pretty or roll over when there are useful tricks like empty the dishwasher or fold the laundry.
[christmas]
BROTHER: [unwraps giant foam hulk hands] Awesome!
ME: [unwraps Mark Ruffalo hands] This sucks.
If you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses people will think you know what you’re talking about.
“Can I buy you a drink?”
“I’d rather just have the money”
Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.
Me: *stuffing a ham into my pillow*
Wife: what are you doing
Me: it’s in case someone tries to stuff a ham into my pillow, they’ll be like “ah damn”
Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station’s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.
5: Mom, look at me!
Me: I’m in the shower
5: Look at me!
Me: I can’t!
5: Because you’re in the shower?
Me: Yes!
5: Fine, but can you just look at me?!