This married couple was eating dinner, he meant to ask his wife for salt, but What came out was, I hate you stupid Bitch you ruined my life
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I don’t mean to brag but I have the face of someone with a great personality
Friend: “I just blew a speaker in my car.”
Me: “Which kind?”
Friend: “Motivational.”
If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
AirBnB is fun for when you want to be financially abused by a stranger with a binder filled with rules.
Halloween and Valentine’s day are pretty much the same thing… people dress up and pretend to be someone they’re not for some sugar
As a child I had the impression that I would be offered free drugs by strangers much more frequently than the 0 times it’s happened.
My mom always put safety first. She used to warn me about running with scissors as we rode in her convertible with no seatbelts going 80 mph on the highway after she had a few beers.
I’m voting for whichever candidate agrees to lower the price of printer ink.
Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.
Every wedding video you’ve ever seen
Them: I saw someone who looks just like you!
Someone:
Women do not want to hear what you think..
They want to hear what they think..
In a deeper voice……
Once you realize most planets take about a billion years to stabilize in their orbits, you’ll feel much better about yourself
Detective: how were u able to do it?
Serial Killer: thanks to the flexibility of Uber. I was able to work my own hours and still murder
Neighbor asked me over for coffee and said ‘make yourself comfortable’, so I did, I went home.
speed dating but it’s just me changing tables at a restaurant every few minutes trying a bite of everyone’s food
“My dog took 20 minutes to find a spot to poop this morning” is, apparently, not a good response to “Why are you late?” and “Why do you only have makeup on one eye?”
Just right now my only wish is for everyone to go to bed so I can eat my secret second dinner.
Me: how can I prepare for this meeting?
Friend: we can do a mock interview
Me: ok
Friend: why should we hire you
Me: wHy ShOuLd wE HiRe yOu
Why’d they call it a catapult and not an over the shoulder boulder holder?
I saw a crying baby and gave it my phone bill cuz why should we both be upset?
[trying to remove items separately from the washing machine]
laundry: you will not divide us we are one entity now FEAR US
people who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day
The only reason I know it’s February is because the M&M’s are pink.
Note to self: do not get drunk and wear jeans that have 6 buttons.
*watches Planet Of The Apes*
Ugh it’s so unrealistic that dumb creatures would rule the planet*watches the news*
Oh
Wife: I can’t find my phone
Me: Want me to call it?
Wife: Sure, I –
Me: PHONE, HERE BOY
My biological clock is wheezing.
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
If your doctor has to google something right in front of you, you’re probably going to die.