This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.
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inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?
My girlfriend told me that it was either her or my Meatloaf discography. I told her I would do anything for love, but I can’t do that.
Laundry needs to be put away.
I look at the basket.
The basket looks at me.
Old western shoot our music looms in the background.
Ordered a pizza. Delivery guy and I talked for 45 minutes about swords and he got fired. Now he lives here, we’re gonna fight crime together
Me: [to my sister] Oh yeah? If I’m not mom’s favorite, then why am I the only one she ever asks to housesit when she takes everyone on vacation each summer?
kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no it’s 8am
I’m swilling port like a British butler who had a rough afternoon at the races.
Oh, I bet you would be
If Christian Bale has never cancelled a date and said “sorry to Bale on you” then I don’t think he is living life to the fullest.
Me: I just stepped in dog shit, isn’t that weird?
Her: Not really
Me: Ok, what if I told you I knew it was there?
PIGEON KID: I need to go bad
PIGEON MOM: Try to hold it until we find a statue
“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”
-let me see your phone real quick
“You’re smothering me. I need some space”
I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.
I’m not one to give parenting advice, but kids are a lot less likely to fight you on eating dinner if you don’t give them lunch or breakfast
I shouted “the blue Subaru with an Obama sticker left its lights on!” at Mt. Bachelor and had the *entire* hill to myself for an hour
HER: It’s a gender reveal party.
ME: To tell the sex of the baby.
HER: You have to stop calling it a sex party.
You and I share a very special connection.
*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.
My marriage counselor suggested that I forget about the past. So I forgot that I got married and now I’m happy.
That guy is a genius.
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
Him: I’m so high right now…no one has ever been so high
Me: oh yeah? *whips out a photo of my hair circa 1989*
My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm.
That’s whey past my bedtime.
If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.
*pronounces “naked” like “baked”
Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room
IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.
Kids: you burned the popcorn
Me: you gave me stretch marks
Being a mom is easy
We installed those slam-proof bumpers on all of our doors. My kids’ fingers are safe, but I have no way of knowing when my wife is mad at me.
I hate people who are like “drunk words are sober thoughts”.
Drunk me has called 911 because she was “dying from lack of attention”, she can’t be trusted
The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.
Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.