Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hey big accounts –

What’s it like to tweet “My cat sneezed”
and get 500 RT in the first minute ?

My cat would be dead before I got 50

Saying “I’m practicing social distancing”

-everyone doing it
-not very exciting
-no variety

Exclaiming “keep your hands off me good sir!”

-classy
-are you a character in a victorian novel?
-implies someone would want to touch you

I like to be called a MILF because it’s better than being called a MILTMALIAD. (Mother I’d like to murder and leave in a ditch.)

Me in my 20’s:
I don’t want to leave the house if my Victoria’s Secret bra doesn’t match my thong.

Me in my 40’s:
I don’t want to leave the house.

REPORTER: still feel it was a good idea to spend all $80 million of your lottery winnings on this?

ME: [using my 28 surgically added hands to pet 30 dogs at once] yes

[a 31st dog walks by]

ME: oh no

[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.

Baby are you the middle of July because I was not ready for you at all and feel very aware that I should have been working out

*lifts 10 pound weight*

Nice.

*adds “salmon” to list of animals I could protect a woman from*

My kid begged me not to be “cringe” around her friends when they come over, and I don’t have the heart to tell her that I don’t even know how to not be “cringe” around MY friends.

DOG: where do you go every day?
OWNER: to work
DOG: i don’t know what that is, but sounds sad
CAT: you leave? really?

Cop lights are so pretty at night

I possess a devastating combination of perfectionism and incompetence

Dear food bloggers, I am not interested in your journey toward chocolate pudding I JUST WANT THE GODDAMN RECIPE

In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren’t around.

When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying

Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?

[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no

No one:

My kid at 6am: if we plant a sausage maybe we can grow a sausage tree

“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” yeah because I won’t be leaving my bed

my sister is about to have a baby and my brother showed up to the hospital in a suit because “first impressions matter”

Three words no parent ever wants to hear when dropping their kid at a play date: “Come on in.”

I don’t mean to brag but I stopped eating an incredible meal because I was full and didn’t need anymore.

coworker is telling us that being a libertarian is based on facts and I’m rubbing dirt between my hands like the beginning of gladiator

It’s not really family vacation until everyone is crying because of sun poisoning, you’ve lost at least 3 bikini tops in the ocean, and your spouse is just staring off into nowhere regretting all decisions that led up to this point in life

If your drug dealer is on time, he’s a cop.

listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,

have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn

“30 shots of espresso NOW.”
*barista’s eyes widen*
Whoa what do you do for a living?
“I STAY AWAKE FOR A LIVING!”
*roundhouse kicks barista*

Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.