@portmanteauface

This meeting could have been an email. That email could have been a fistfight in the alley

You Might Also Like

@skickwriter

I’ve already had 3 people ask if I have enough wine to last me through the hurricane. Beginning to think I may have a reputation.

@MarfSalvador

[Boiling in a pot]

Boy lobster: AAAAGGGGHHH!!

Girl lobster: I’m cold

@joeldanger

I’m not saying she has daddy issues but she only fills out credit cards for the instant approval.

@Fred_Delicious

science defines a baby as “a small smooth poopy man, no taller than a lamp”

@polychromatik

Beethoven:Who wants to hear some Symphonies?
*crowd goes wild
B:I SAID WHO WANTS TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES
*crowd goes nuts
B:I CANT HEAR YOU!

@CruisinSoozan

I don’t want to alarm anyone but I’ve purchased a ukulele. Soon as I can jam, there’ll be auditions for my band behind the 7-11.
NO WEIRDOS

@iAmDelFreaky

Every time I eat a banana in public, a stranger offers me money to do it in private.

I ate 32 bananas today & made $725.

I have diarrhea.

@KentWGraham

We didn’t have child safety seats when I was young. My dad would put a couple of us in the trunk if it meant not taking two cars.

@annmargarita72

I love chasing after you…
* me to the ice cream man driving down the road