this mf tried to spell arrangatangs with an o
You Might Also Like
I saw a dating profile that said “No felonies” but I am not sure if that meant her or me.
Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human
If the voices in my head had a British accent, I would do what they say more often.
roses are red / violets are blue
who let the dogs out / who who who who
What’s that little “-” in front of the temperature mean?
[Facepainting Booth]
Mum: Er…she wanted a butterfly…
Me: I only do toads
Mum: Well you should say that bef-
Me: *taps “TOADS ONLY” sign*
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & ran away down the road
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a big path that cars drive on
[phone rings]
“We’ve removed your son’s missing picture from our milk cartons.”
“You found him?”
“No, people stopped buying milk.”
boss: somebody stole the office thesaurus
me: I perceive your concern however I am not cognizant of the perpetrator
“Please, do that thing again with your tongue…” – Me talking to my pet lizard:(
My toxic trait is wanting things I can’t have, like sleep and lactose
Is “asking for a friend” just a way people can nonchalantly ask a question while making it seem like someone else asked? Asking for a friend
Shoutout to my dog for ensuring we can enjoy the crunchy, colourful autumn leaves inside the house too
[standing outside the office with all the other smokers, I take out my cigar case, remove a hotdog and place it in my mouth] I’m trying to quit but it’s soooo hard
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a leg lamp.
OFFER
FINAL OFFER
BEST & FINAL OFFER
LAST & FINAL OFFER
SMART & FINAL OFFER
FINAL OFFER TOKYO DRIFT
Whoa. Wait a minute.
So those stick figures on your car aren’t for pedestrians you ran over?
Damn it!
*starts scraping off her stickers*
Me: Why don’t we have a nice, romantic bubble bath?
Him: Sounds amazing*flash forward*
Him: I thought we’d be taking the bubble bath together
Me: (from the other tub) My tub is too small for two, you know that. And say “over” when you’re done talking on the walkie, babe
I told my 8 year old son, “There’s something so special about you. Since you’re my last baby, you will always be mommy’s baby to me.”
To which he replied, “God I hope so. Aren’t you pushing 50?”
Me: are you ready?
Husband: yes
Me: great, I got myself and the kids ready and everything’s packed up and we’ll actually be on time if we leave right this second, let’s get in the car-
Husband: okay, just need to hop in the shower real quick
supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’
The 5 second rule doesn’t apply when you drop the last m&m in the bag. If it takes an hour to find it, so be it.
My kid can’t remember to flush the toilet but can repeat every episode of My Little Pony, word for word
cashier: ORDER FOR GRANT
me: oh cool
cashier: 25 TACOS READY FOR GRANT
me: ok here I am
cashier: 25 TACOS TO BE EATEN SHAMEFULLY IN THE DARK READY FOR GRANT
me: hey, I’m right here
cashier: 25 TACOS REPRESENTING FEELINGS OF INADEQUACY READY FOR
Why doesn’t Popeye’s serve spinach?
I’m never going to tweet again. Guilty tweets have got no algorithm.
My girlfriend is mad at lettuce, how’s your day going?
Whoever invented the boomerang had trouble letting go.
Nobody:
Baby Carrot Factory Foreman: “Carrots are nice, but how about we pour a cup of water into each bag too?”
I only drink Smart Water now.
I think it’s really helping my…
my head thinking thingie.