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“Dollars to donuts” is my most frequent currency conversion.
The rain is pouring. So naturally it’s a good day to eat 6 donuts.
did you get the job?
“i don’t know yet”
when will they tell you?
interviewer: “keith can you please ask your mum to wait in reception”
Happy Victorian Christmas, the sparrows are coming for us all
Husband: can we try some new positions in the bedroom?
Me: sure!
Husband: any ideas?
Me: [excited] sleepy sloth?
Husband:
Me: [more excited] hibernating bear?
Husband:
Me: [most excited] the lazy starfish?
This day in history. 2004. Ken announced that he had broken things off with Barbie but not to avoid another outrageously extravagant Valentine’s Day no not at all.
The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.
[exchanging xmas gifts]
me: “if you dont open it you can never be disappointed can you?”
schrödinger: “i feel like i brought this on myself”
“Down”
“Penetration”
“Tight End”
“Ball handling”
Don’t the networks have censors any more?
sex work?? sure does. there’s over 7 billion of us.
I didn’t marry until my thirties because I wanted to sow some wild oats.
In hindsight, I wish I’d spent some of that time having sex with women instead.
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney you’re some big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys ppl get very upset
me before I type out affect or effect
I’m giving my pregnant sister some helpful tips like how to help me lift this couch with her knees and not her back.
Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No. I’m getting everything like an easter egg hunt, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
[Charlie Brown running up and just booting Hey Arnold in the head]
*seductively removes toilet paper from bottom of shoe*
Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.
America’s national mascot should just be a drunk white girl typing on a shattered iPhone.
When you work at McDonald’s they put Mc in front of your name. Unless you’re called Beth. Then you’re known as “the Scottish play”
[2 cavemen]
Look what me discover! This game changer!
*grabs it* “This hot! Burn fingers. What you call it?”
*takes back mixtape* FIRE!
ME: I’ve spent my whole life running
THERAPIST: from who you are?
ME: [thinking about that one time I threw a boomerang into a tornado] no
Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.
Teacher: did you cheat on your math test?
Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way
@JosesLovesYou @funTweeters The slang in Japanese for periods IS Hinomaru (That’s the name of the Japanese flag) 🙂
The problem with studying ancient Chinese art is I want some Mexican art a half an hour later.
Daughter: are ghosts real?
Me: no.
Daughter: grandma told me ghosts are real.
Me: honey, grandma passed away before you were bor-wait.