This might be the most wholesome advice column question I have ever seen
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Age 17: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my parent’s house
Age 37: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my toddler’s room
Ordinary things that become AMAZING once you’re a parent:
-showers
-sitting down to eat
-drinking coffee while it’s hot
-pooping
Dude: You got a light?
Me: Sure.
*hand him a flashlight*
Dude: I mean for my cigarette.
Me: Yeah, he can use it.
I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.
My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more
[flirting with Jesus]
So…is there a queen of the Jews
I wear black because it’s slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.
sexyaardvark69 [username taken]
sexywombat69 [username taken]
sexyplatypus69 [username taken]sorry this might take a while…
Gave our gerbil a piece of kale from the garden. Now it’s complaining about gluten and begging for its own little pair of Uggs.
Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.
a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin
ME: I had salmon for lunch
WIFE: the L is silent, idiot
ME: haha I knew that, I meant unch
Prayers for my teen who has a long, uphill battle overcoming her mom hugging her at the bus stop.
[Subway]
ME: i’ll have a footlong meatball sub on Italian herb & cheese thanks
SUBWAY: *train noises*
Me: Who called you guys “Samsung security personnel” instead of “Guardians of the Galaxy?”
Raccoons (that I dressed as security guards): *bite me*
When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.
therapy: $500
tattoo: $500 but cooler
I’m so poor, the ducks are throwing bread at me.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Cashier: “Sir, the toilet paper you’re buying goes on sale tomorrow.”
“COOL, I’LL CHECK WITH MY FAMILY TO SEE IF THEY CAN HOLD IT IN.”
Villian: one false move and you’re history
Me: ok wait does that mean one true move and I’m the future? *eyes welling up* Very inspiring sir thank you
Wife: [holding old dog] I thought you took care of this yesterday
Stormtrooper husband: *looks out back to see gun marks all over the yard*
*quietly adjusts thermostat*
my husband from a hotel room 2800 miles away: whatcha doing?
(Man hobbles into grocery store using a cane)
5: HEY MOM THAT MAN IS USING A WALKING STICK BC HIS BONES AREN’T STRONG & HE’LL DIE SOON RIGHT
Just because you can yin a yang or quid a pro quo, that doesn’t mean you can zag a zig or tit a tat.
Mom, here’s a picture of my bf, he’s a musician
“That’s just the stock image that comes with the frame”
ur wrong, mom. Me and DJ 8×10 are in love
In about five years when a kindergarten teacher is taking attendance and calls out Thanos at least eight boys will say “here.”
Lunch is the best thing that’s happened to me since breakfast.
It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.
My dog went to the vet for a check up. they said they needed to get a pic for her profile.
I log into the portal to get results and THIS is what came up 😂