this morning a coworker told me “why don’t u make like a tree & leaf” & all I could think of as a comeback was “yeah, well why don’t u make like a coffee & fridge” (we were in the break room), so do I just quit now or what
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I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i speak so quietly?
wife: well you could at least say something
In my defense,
I was left unsupervised.
My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
The worst part of getting a chain wallet for your birthday is that now you have 3 days to send 10 chain wallets to your friends.
My… My daughters built a slug hospital and found 30+ “patients” who are now escaping and nothing in the parenting books prepared me for this.
You never need to ask if there’s something in my pocket. I’m never happy to see anyone.
I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!
Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!
I wear flip-flops because I hate sneaking up on people.
you telling me a banana nut in this bread
You ever pump your gas slowly on purpose so no one realizes you only had $3 on you
No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.
I know it’s so bad but all the other restaurant names were taken. Anyways welcome to Feastiality can I get you guys started on some drinks
you’d think eating your young was more filling.
Me, to myself: you are your harshest critic and no one else will notice your face is breaking out
3: Mommy! Is that a pimple? Is that a pimple? Wow, you have so many pimples! They’re everywhere!
I bought a Mr. Microphone at a garage sale. Now I’m driving around yelling at bad drivers.
Best 25¢ I’ve ever spent.
Playing a game with my kid where she draws a picture and I have one chance to guess what it is and if I’m wrong, everyone’s day is ruined.
Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.
On my way to Mordor
you nerds need anything?
I don’t remember your name, chick I worked with one time, but I will never stop telling people about how you asked me:
What even are olives, like a fish or something?
coffee: because shanking people is heavily frowned upon.
i am about to burn down everything cryptocurrency related
I’d say I’m an agreeable person, but if you tell me a clothing item is “out of style” I will only wear it more.
[to a mushroom] ok, pretty cute. but let’s see you without the hat
Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.
My prompt email replies are 10% due to me being a diligent employee, and 90% due to the crippling OCD that compels me to clear my inbox.
Gen Z: I hate my boss
Millennial: me too but instead of posting it on social media I slowly let the air out of his tires like a well adjusted grown up
Any wedding can be a fairy tale wedding if you serve porridge and release three angry bears into the reception hall