this morning at 7-eleven i saw a lizard next to the coffee maker and the cashier said “no worries that’s just marvin, he likes the smell”
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I always thought animal husbandry referred to the level of assertiveness I was expected to bring into the bedroom after I got married
Welcome
Me, looking at Met Gala outfits: But how do they go to the bathroom in that?
Him: Well, this has been a magical evening.
Me: *dragging goat carcass out of pentagram carved into floor* It really has been, thank you.
[Heaven]
Saint Peter: Welcome to the pearly gates! You’re here early; you must be dying to get in! LOL
Me: Too soon…
me: what’s the best way to get healthy?
doctor: diet and exercise
me: what’s the next best?
I’m stranded on a dessert island. Do not send help.
Let’s go to church and wink at each other whenever one of our sins gets mentioned.
Puts cardboard cutout of myself at my desk a week ago*
Receives check*
Dang I just got a raise
Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don’t.
Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”
You can flash your library card when you’re walking into Costco. They couldn’t care less.
When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.
If only the door of my car had a warning light for when it was getting low on takeout napkins.
We all have that one friend who likes to play wrestle and then gets mad when you punch them in the mouth.
I can’t believe that as a kid, I was excited about being an adult. Kids are stupid.
Hot woman *points at my empty glass* hey, want another?
Me: Why would I want another empty glass?
[later]
Me *stops brushing teeth* hang on
They got a point!
I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is basically Saw, but with desserts.
If you can’t hide the evidence, pretend to be part of an accident
Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life
Dog: that is correct
[gynecologist making small talk during an exam]
DOCTOR: So you’re in the military?
HER: Yes
DOCTOR: Well thank you for your cervix
wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*
No matter how spicy your sex life is …
If he’s a two-thymer; cumin in that
ginger Rosemary, my sage advice …would bay to leaf him.
“You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby. You gonna DIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!! …Only Kidding! Welcome to Red Lobster, party of 2?”
For anyone struggling to make ends meet at the moment, please please please check to see if you have a Porsche you can sell.
Wife: you’ve been a naughty boy *peels off clothes* You need to be punished
Me: yes, I do!
Wife: do the laundry
interviewer: can you explain these gaps in your resume?
me: umm I believe those are from the space bar
Dad: “So what are you going to do after you graduate?”
Me: “well, mom said we’ll probably go out somewhere to eat”