This morning I did ten sit ups. Doesn’t sound like much, but there are only so many times you can hit the snooze button.
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I know you’re the instructor but I’ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!
Who else looks for the closest parking spot at the gym? I need to save my energy for inside.
I work at Home Depot.
White guy: There is a man selling tamales out of the trunk of his car in the parking lot and disturbing costumers
Me: Thank you for that information
Me to tamale guy: Are you the guy selling tamales?
Tamale guy: yes
Me: I’ll take three
i be like “communication is the key” then put my phone on do not disturb
can I use a minion as a tampon
Rock bottom implies the existence of paper bottom and scissors bottom.
“How is there a sink full of dirty dishes? I just washed them yesterday.”
—My 10-year-old learning a tough life lesson
I’ve always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?
If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.
Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.
Sharon pls come back just because it’s bouncy doesn’t mean it’s not a house
My life is just like the Friends theme song if you take out all the references to having friends.
me: am I awake or dreaming
a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is
I’m inventing a new holiday where you take back one gift you previously gave someone.
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food to them
Please make sure your kid’s middle name pairs well with their first name because you’ll be yelling that combo more than you think.
Scarecrow: why aren’t u scared of me?
Batman: why would…wait. do u think I’m a crow?
SC: ur not a crow?
BM: *hurt* No *quietly* I’m a bat
“no gods no masters” = leo
On any given microwave, there’s only one button to me. It doesn’t matter what I’m cooking I just keep hammering popcorn until it’s done.
I just filled up my gas tank and went to a movie and bought a large soda and popcorn, I spent roughly 7000 dollars.
The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”
No one:
Me trying to remember the person’s name I just met as they’re still talking:
actually this email could’ve been a meeting. we could’ve spent an hour on the clock talking shit and gossiping. someone could’ve brought bagels
Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.
Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you
Oh no, it’s raining! What do I do? What’s a green light? What’s a stop sign? What’s a blinker? Where’s the brake pedal?
~people
My boss tasked us with finding new and inventive ways to be productive while we work from home. So I tied a piece of string to my mouse and pull it every few minutes to keep my computer from going idle while I nap on the couch. I’ve never been more “productive” in my life.
this is literally a CIA plant
Him: I’m over the moon
Werewolf doctor: you’re cured
Trapped beneath the feet of a bearded giant…
Cut off from the world.
Stephen King & Pixar present:
“A BUG’S LIFE 3: UNDER THE GNOME”
she’s already got guys telling her she’s beautiful. be different. send her a cheese board.