This morning I jogged for 30 swear words.
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Yep.
Table for six please?
“Is your party coming soon or?”
[Takes 4 turtles and a rat out from coat] I’m going to need booster seats
A group of crows is called a murder.
A group of people walking slowly in front of me at a store, is called motive.
#notsorry
Calling someone unconventionally attractive is so funny like yeah you’re kind of busted but I can bravely see the beauty in you due to my Open Mind
hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more
*in the cinema, quietly reading the book of the movie*
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “mussel”
me: can you use it in a sentence?
judge: check out the mussels on this fisherman
me: umm
what i say: i love you, be back in two minutes
what my dog hears: goodbye forever
[meeting at amc network]
“Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?”
It’s so hot outside, Kermit just replaced Miss Piggy’s sunscreen with honey glaze
Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?
When people in movies get fired, they all have that one little box with a framed picture on top. You worked there for 17 years, why don’t you have more stuff?
Just saw a grasshopper jump on cement.
THEY’RE EVOLVING.
*goes down on one knee*
One Knee: I have a girlfriend
4: MOM I NEED ANOTHER RED WINE!
Me, to the judging parents at the beach: RED VINE! She wants another licorice!!
Like I’d ever share my wine with her.
2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.
Hey, does anyone know how to stop eating chips?
Enough with the fist bumping. I never understand what is happening. This time I held my hands open because I thought he was giving me M&Ms
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a box of mini corn dogs.
I miss the days before the internet, when you didn’t know some person’s every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.
-Stop sending me scary scenes from destruction films! What’s wrong with you?
-That was just me cooking us lasagna
-Oh..see you at 9!
-You bet you will
The Macarena was just a tutorial on how to fold a sweater.
Age 8: Flinging myself off the swings at high speed onto a concrete floor, bouncing up instantly and laughing before bounding away like a gazelle.
Age 48: Raising my eyebrows in a slightly more robust way than usual and fracturing my skull.
The Whole Foods next to this movie theater is perfect if you want to sneak in your own snacks, but don’t want to save a lot of money.
I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.
[wife replies to text that I found a genie]
dont do a thing im almost home
[she pulls up and the car from the cars movie is in the driveway]
Those American Pickers guys drove all over the country looking for antiques when they could have just bought stuff new and then waited.
Art teacher: you were supposed to paint a tree
Rorschach: I did
[reads chocoholic on tinder bio] Mmm I love chocolate, too
[reads workaholic] I work a lot as well
[reads catholic] I also am a cat addict