This morning I woke from a dream. I have no memory of it except that I was asking someone, “Is constipation a problem for fish?”
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Once someone broke into my car and didn’t steal anything – not my leather jacket or any of my CDs, and I have never felt more judged.
I bought a bug zapper fly swat.
So now I look like a madwoman swinging around a small tennis racket, shocking anyone who dares step in my way.
cave of wonders: only one may enter here
aladdin: abu has to wait outside?
cave of wonders: oh, pets don’t count
abu: *steals*
cave of wonders: OK PETS COUNT
facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces
Me: this whole quarantine thing has caused me to use my phone so much more. my phone case feels super grimy and sticky.
Husband: are…are you using your phone to spread peanut butter?
Me, licking case: and jam.
Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose
I told him I’d send him nudes everyday he was sick, but we are on day 17 now… how long does the flu normally last?
A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong
Whatever, I’ve been in better hostage situations than this
Nothing scares me more than when my husband answers me and I’m left wondering just how much he’s actually been listening.
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.
everyone gangster til the tickle monster show up
I once made the irresponsible decision to drink and drive and now I have to live the rest of my days with a coffee stain on my favorite sweater.
[Looking at ultrasound monitor with my wife]
Wife: Look at it’s little heart beating! Isn’t it amazing…
Me: It looks like a crossiant
Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.
”Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
–MC Hammer giving a Museum tour
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
chumbawumba: i get knocked down, but i get up again
jesus: ok yes
If it comes down to me and a plate of fried food, there will only be one victor. And that victor will be slightly nauseous and have the meat sweats.
I’m Irish which is kinda like being Sith, if I’m mad you can feel my hatred from anywhere in the galaxy
*Flirting before having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of my naked body]*Flirting after having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of our bed with freshly changed sheets]
me: hey man you ready to go?
goku: hold on I gotta charge my phone
me:
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: almost done?
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: son of a-
[On the next episode of…]
happy friday
My daughter telling me not to worry because she got her own allowance from my purse did not have the effect she intended
We just walked into a Target and my wife said we don’t need a buggy and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do in here without a buggy to push.
Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.
90% of parenting is making up rules. 10% is trying to remember them.
people say all kinds of stupid things, my favorite is hello.
HER: I can’t believe you made a pillow fort for day drinking in.
ME: ᵖˡᵉᵃˢᵉ ᶜᵃˡˡ ᶦᵗ ᶜᵃˢᵗˡᵉ ᴳʳᵉʸ ᴳᵒᵒˢᵉ ˢᵏᵘˡˡ
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME: ᴵ ʰᵃᵛᵉ ᵗʰᵉ ᵖᵒʷᵉʳ
HER: You have a problem.