This morning, my 3 year old son emerged from our bedroom wearing several of my wife’s scarves and every bracelet she owns. I know he’s young, and saying this may make me appear close-minded and intolerant, but I don’t want him growning up to be Johnny Depp.
You Might Also Like
LASAGNA IS ONE OF THE WORST SPELLED WORDS THAT SHIT IS ABSOLUTELY PREPOSTEROUS, SHOULD BE LASONYA BUT UR ALL SCARED TO TALK ABOUT IT, SCARED OF WHAT COULD HAPPEN
If only Lord Ram used Apple maps to reach Ayodhya, Beijing would have been celebrating Diwali today.
If Shakespeare were alive today, he’d write a tragedy about the fate of the single French fry that comes with every order of onion rings.
A horse-drawn carriage sounds really romantic until you realize horses can’t even hold a pen and the carriage just looks like a scribble.
*alarm goes off* me: how much do I really NEED this job?
Whoa, whoa whoa…
I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.
I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh
You should not throw stones at glass houses but they never said anything about the home owners.
Two things I have learned at the beach:
1. Surfers are some of the nicest humans on the planet
2. Pelicans are the honey badgers of the bird world. If you’re standing next to a fish in the ocean, they don’t care one bit. They’ll dive & splash one foot from you & eat that fish.
*sips coffee*
*thinks to myself as I walk away*
Carol seems grumpy today…
*takes another sip from Starbucks cup that says “Carol”*
To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later
DATE: I want to date someone that loves the ocean
MY BRAIN: say you like swimming
MY MOUTH: the Titanic was an inside job
*Dentist’s waiting room*
*Trying to make conversation with other patient*
So… I guess you have teeth, too?
My 6yo ate his dinner but apparently that wasn’t enough food because he said “I’m hungry” and I said “I’m daddy” which really wasn’t the answer he was looking for.
“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago
Guys I have to work a total of like 18 hours today. Someone hold me. Under water.
I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.
I feel kind of sad that in some countries children are starving and I’m over here eating spiders in my sleep like a god damn glutton.
Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.
I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”
SANTA, tied up, black eye: You boys are in a lot of trouble with Mrs. Claus.
HEAD KIDNAPPER: Oh really? And what is she going to do? Bake cookies at us?
SANTA: Well, no. But before we were married, she was Head Valkyrie of Valhalla.
HK: Is…is that so?
*distant Wagner music*
My blood type is b hungry.
My 11yo said if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t have a twitter account, and I’m just glad he’s finally taking some responsibility.
THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO???? WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO?????
Me: Ahh finally, some sleep
My brain: Do saltwater fish get thirsty?
Me: Goddamnit
If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.
God: you can climb trees, go on land and swim in water.
Snake: OMG, really?
God: pretty cool right!
Snake: you didn’t have to do all this!
God: it was nothing
Snake: so how fast can I run?
God:
Snake: I bet I can run really fast!
God:
Snake: so fast on my legs!
[at a fall festival]
Him: you look gourdgeous
Me: *roll my eyes and grab my keys to go*
Him: please don’t leaf
Sleeping is my drug, my bed is my dealer and my alarm is the police.🙃