This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live
You Might Also Like
me: *pounding on son’s locked bedroom door* open up this instant! this is my house
son: no it isn’t, you have a mortgage so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me: [to wife] i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
[someone likes me as a friend]
Heart: hey you should fall in love with them
Me: what? no
Heart: *80s power ballad starts playing*
Toddler: *crying* where are my cheese pants!?
Me: your what?
Toddler: MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: I’m confused
Toddler: I NEED MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: *crying* someone help me
JOB INTERVIEWER: Do you know short-hand?
ME: Do I know what, fat-face?
“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.
“Alcohol is just water with feelings in it,” said the girl who failed chemistry.
The staff at this long john silver’s is saying I’ve had too much popcorn shrimp, and they’re trying to wrestle away the keys to my eScooter.
Little kids cough like they are releasing demons into the world
Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.
Bologna is spelled like its being shouted by an alcoholic.
When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”
WIFE: Where are you off to?
ME: Shits & giggles.
WIFE: What?
ME: I’m gonna read funny tweets on the toilet.
Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is a skill…
That I do not possess, apparently.
Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No
sorry, eggs benedict are way too fancy for me. bring me some eggs steve
(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off
Been dating this guy for 4 months and today he asked me why I don’t have a boyfriend. ☹️☹️
If you’re dating someone named Merle you’re required to call them your Merlefriend.
Me: I hate working from home.
Also me: I hate working from work.
My toddler just threw her teddy bear out of her crib like she works for United Airlines.
my aunt: why u kids always on them phones cant u have a real conversation
me: *puts down phone* *crosses legs* why did u melt the ice caps
A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.
instead of texting “on my way” I’m just going to start sending these
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything weird
If you hear your toddler in the other room saying “I got this, I got this”
Go to him FAST for he does not actually got this
[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?
[searching for a new church]
Me: *calls* Yes, does your church offer complimentary WiFi, red wine and light appetizers?
Church: *click*
Therapist: *holding up a stack of cards* look at these ink blots and tell me the first thing that pops into your head.
Squid: danger, predator, escape, fear of death, danger, my mother-in-law, danger.
Therapist: still on the first card.
It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
Apparently in order for exercise to be effective you have to keep doing it. Seems like a scam to me.