This morning my neighbor put a note in my letterbox telling me off for honking my horn to say goodbye to my kids at 9am yesterday
This evening, I’m learning to play the drums
You Might Also Like
My in-laws visited today.
FIL: when I was a kid I stole a candy bar from a store.
My 8yo: then why are you here shouldn’t you be in jail?
I love my son.
“I have toddler-like reflexes.”
“Don’t you mean cat-like–?”
*laughs, cries, falls on face, eats Cheerio off the floor*
“No.”
one of the most amazing things in nature is that the basketball hoop is the perfect size to fit a basketball through
I will never fall in love with any twitter girl here as I am scared that one of these unknown accounts may be a sting run by my wife.
I don’t understand baby oil what are we greasin up all those babies for
The smoke detectors just went off in my house and no one even looked up from their phones.
My neighbors are arguing. So I threw 6 shoes in the dryer. They haven’t said a word since.
the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.
Halloween ’94: Mom says store sold out of Batman costumes and buys me a Catwoman one. Called me Catman. The worst part: she went as Batman?
a kid i met insisted she visited the “vampire state building” and i couldn’t bring myself to correct her
When I was much younger, my father giving me a sip of some Budweiser beer hoping to somehow sway me from drinking beer. All it did was teach me what beers to avoid.
I changed my mind..🐕🐾🍪😅
Me: *twenty four inch chunk of rebar sticking out of my head*
Doctor: What brings you in today?
*buries Oreos throughout the house in preparation for the long, hard winter ahead.
I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.
Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.
Today I brought my trash out wearing roller skates and a tiara simply because I like keep my neighbors guessing.
Wolverine: [more mad than usual] I woke up today ON THE ROOF
Prof. X: [glares at Magneto]
Magneto: OH SURE IMMEDIATELY BLAME ME
This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.
My daughter wrote “Daddy is the best” in the snow then smashed it when I made her come inside. She’ll make some lucky guy miserable one day.
ME IN 2010: My prospects for the future are bright and I am focused on them
ME IN 2017: I’m going to tweet about a raccoon who outwits me
Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.
I shall plucketh thine eyes from ye skull and make kebobs but with bendy straws instead of skewers cuz those are dangerous
“French town to register all local dogs’ DNA to cut mess left on streets. Database will find wrongdoers & fine them.” No fines yet but so far six Poodles have found out they are half Borzoi, two Corgis found their birth mothers, and a Maltese is suing a Pug for child support.
*sees Jaws in my yard* we’re gonna need a bigger milkshake
Satan: Welcome to hell! You can spend all eternity walking barefoot across legos OR you can wear these crocs.
Me: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
I can’t move mountains but I can shift blame.
Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..
Just learnt how a cat yowls on heat. So glad we as humans don’t do it the same way
I’m now at an age where I can use phrases like ‘I’m now at an age.’