This morning my son said ‘pull my finger’ and I’m certain, somewhere in Ontario, my dad just smiled and felt pride for reasons he couldn’t explain.
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Nothing like an episode of “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” to make you feel like a Harvard double major.
Tomorrow is Jesus’ birthday. I got him an Xbox. Keeping it at my house until I see him.
“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”
My camera roll:
*loudly introduces everyone to the elephant in the room
1st grade: Color inside the lines.
10th grade: Color outside the lines.
Art School: Snort the lines and then go color.
Aliens only abduct the people that are already nuts so no one will believe them when they try and tell everyone
Hornets: they’re terrified of us. Our name is fine.
Murder Hornets: ok boomer
A colleague has just been fired from work and someone else put their hand up and asked how it would affect the Secret Santa
To tell the difference between African and Indian elephants you have to look at their ears.
You lift one up and shout “Where are you from?”
The audacity per square inch in a 3 year old is unmatched at any age.
A spider so big you politely ask it to leave the premises & then sheepishly accept its refusal with all the dignity of a French surrender.
Dreamed I won the lottery last night – $35 on a scratch ticket. Clearly I have a rich fantasy life lately.
God: “MOSES. THIS IS THE LORD. I HAVE NEWS FOR YOUR PEOPLE.”
Moses: “New burning bush. Who dis?”
“Moo.”
– hipster sheep
*bites a radioactive spider
*spider starts tweeting 18 hours a day
Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I’m chasing the ice cream truck.
Me, washing my hands in front of a mirror:
So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.
STATUS UPDATE: Helping my coworkers look for the last leftover donut I ate in the conference room this afternoon.
If you drop your pants for a “surprise checkup” and hear your doctor’s belt buckle hit the floor, you should probably head for the hills
The TV show Reacher answers the age-old question: what if there was a really big guy
[Considering whether a recipe is easy enough to attempt]
Recipe: First, finely chop—
Me: I’m out.
Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.
ME: *slamming desk with fist* You’ll put this up over my dead body!
FUNERAL DIRECTOR: It’s a lovely headstone.
ME: It really is.
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m in the Secret Service”
Wow, you didn’t keep that secret too well did you
[job interview]
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: that’s a trick question there is no c in any of those words
(Teaching a Kid to Ride a Bike)
ME: Ready?
KID: *angry bleating*
Editor’s note: sorry about ‘snowboard’ typo, should be ‘snowboarder’ found dead
When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?
My life is like Monopoly: sometimes I’m the racecar, sometimes I’m the iron.
But usually I’m a peanut because I’ve lost all the game pieces.