This morning my therapist said more people need to do things without expecting anything in return, so I left without paying her.
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My 3yo was sitting on my lap reading a book
I lowered my head to kiss the top of his head
At the same time he whipped his head up and whacked my nose, fracturing itI have a swollen bruised nose just bc I wanted to love him
This is motherhood
Never had a gay thought in my life but when Daniel Craig jumps onto the back of the train & adjusts his cuff I now kind of get it.
Me: (after eating 12 fudgesicles)
Ok. Time to get to work.You: You can actually buy popsicle sticks at any craft store.
Me: Don’t question my art.
I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.
Someone asked who sang Johnny B Goode, and I said Marty McFly because I’m not an idiot and I know how time travel works.
Funny because it’s true. 🤣
Am I supposed to present a monologue play while I use this toilet? Wtf is it on a stage for.
It’s weird how we get born in the same city as our favorite sports teams
Inmate: here’s the rule: find the biggest, baddest dude in the yard and…
Me: (sigh) don’t fall in love…
Hiking is a great way to get fresh air, exercise, and find spots to hide the person you murdered.
If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”
As per my baby book, I held my head up alone the first day I got home. I may be a lot of things, but I was no soft-necked baby.
If you’re trying to console someone who has a tattoo with their ex’s name on and they just broke up, don’t say ‘haha that’s tattoo bad.’
*in bed*
Him: what’s your fantasy, baby?
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittles instead of gold
Him: No, like sexual
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittl-
Turns out 83% of parenting is finding their shoes every morning.
[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen
people ask “how could anyone write something as crazy as Alice in Wonderland” but then you read about the Victorians and the air was perfumed with opium, there was arsenic in the walls, you could get mercury poisoning from a hat.
Wife, lecturing son: You can’t just “wing it” your entire life
Me, later to my son when we’re alone: You actually can just wing it, you just can’t tell people that’s what you’re doing
[wife who bought regular paper towels instead of the select a size paper towels] what’s wrong? [me trying to clean a small to medium sized spill] nothing
Me: I can save some money if I install this new dishwasher myself.
*4 hours of clanging, shoving and inventing new curse words*
Me: Sticks out a little, but seems to work
Wife: Now the drawer with the silverware is blocked
Me: WE’LL EAT WITH OUR HANDS!!
gooooob morning. i’m being told. someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would’ve lost my mind
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like, “Why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
Phone
Me: *confused* You’re still making toast?
Mom: I made toast but I knocked the plate over — but it landed right side up! The toast didn’t even touch the ground!
Me: Oh good
Mom: Then (her dog) ran & he brought it to me like a toy! In his mouth. *sigh* So I’m making toast
The lady from HR challenged me to name one of my boss’s good qualities and the best I could come up with is “he’s biodegradable”
Coffee so strong, it still works even though you’ve disabled java.
Kindergarten, day two.
Me: Who did you play with at recess?
Daughter: One of my best friends. I don’t remember her name.
don’t go chasing waterfalls? the place where many video games hide easter eggs and other rare items??
[dean tries handing me a diploma as I walk across the stage] I have a boyfriend
I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”