This mosh pit at Chuck E. Cheese ain’t gonna start itself
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I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.
Somebody in my gang is an undercover police horse. I’ve narrowed it down to Dave, Kyle and Sugarcube
My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.
My favorite genre of tweet is “person born after I graduated college feels old”
sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too
Son: “Mom, Dad we need to talk…. I’m a vegan”
**Mom cries running out the room
Dad: Why can’t you just have a normal eating disorder?
PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-
TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now
“I’m practicing self care” I scream at the buffet waitress as she tries to wrench a whole steam tray full of lobster from my hands
Everytime I see my see my neighbors having sex in their hot tub, I think to myself “I can’t believe I’m recording this”
wife: what did i ask you to do?
me: buy the name-brand repellent
wife: and what did you do?
me: i bought the cheap stuff
wife: you bought the cheap stuff
me: it was half the-
wife: and what do we have now?
me: *sigh* we have elephants
wife: we have elephants
Kids today don’t know what hardship is. When I was younger I sometimes had to wait ALL DAY for MTV to play my favorite video.
LAWYER: where were you on the night of the stabbings
ME (not wanting to admit I was watching the Bachelor finale & crying): stabbing people
I just tried to place an order for coffee but my husband hung up on me.
Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.
Haunted houses are great but have you ever had a deer clear your hood at 55 mph?
I was slicing leftover ham as my kids were watching Peppa Pig and I was momentarily very sorry
What I said: I do.
What she heard: I do… want to awaken to the sweet sound of your voice saying “My feet are cold”, as you mash your size 7 icicles against me, til death do us part.
[first day as a genetic scientist]
co-worker: how did everything just fly off the shelves
me: *sliding new telekinetic cat behind me with my foot* iunno
If lemonade is made from lemons, what’s a colonnade made from?
1. Wear a black shirt
2. Roll around on my floor near my couch.
3. Admire your ‘Everything Bagel’ costume
At my age, you can spell Ibuprofen and Acetaminophen without googling it.
I should have seen this breakup coming…. The nicest thing she ever said to me was,
“Oh wow, that car almost hit you.”
overheard my 7yo telling a friend he speaks Italian but what the friend doesn’t know is to my son speaking Italian just means shouting “ITSA ME! MARIO!”
[scale says I’ve gained 5 pounds]
Me: It’s probably just what I’m wearing.
Wife: You’re naked.
Me:
Wife:
Me: It’s a heavy deodorant.
Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker
Me: wow
My sock puppet: WOW
A plague on both your Barbie’s Dreamhouses.
[returning from Damascus]
St Paul: “Friends! Let me tell you all about God’s son, Esus”
Voice from the crowd: “Esus? But I thought-“
St Paul: “The letter “J” doesn’t fall into common usage until the 16th century”
St Ohn: “It’s true”
According to math, I’m broke
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
much to think about