This mouthbreathing, fat creepy dude at work baked a cake and wrote, “Eat cake if you want to be my girlfriend” on it. I’m so torn right now
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[date]
me: so if u could change any part of your body what would it be?
her: *laughing* I guess my ankles. what about you?
me: well, u know the bit behind the knees?
*awkward silence*
me: *leans in closer* I’d love em to be as hairy as armpits
This meeting could have been a cake
“Better safe than sorry,” I say, as I key my phone number into the side of his car
Texted my wife that our 4-year-old jumped rope for the first time. Later, she came home & said to him, “I heard you jumped rope today?”
He replied, “How did you hear me do that? You were at work!”
hello, this is your hindsight talking, that is a very bad idea, don’t do that
Just warning the studios that if we don’t start making shows, they’re not gonna have anything to reboot in 8-12 years.
stranger: you’re gunna look stupid with all those tattoos when you’re 80
me: listen pal, everyone looks stupid when they’re 80
So…for no good reason a photoshop of a Bison and Sweetums, and probably something that will never be done again.
If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.
[walks into living room and sees a stranger is sitting on the couch]
Me: WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?!
14 yo son: I came downstairs to see if dinner is ready.
Two crows fall in love, move in together, start a family.
The perfect murder.
Yes, 911, that guy just fed my house letters again.
A guy tried to flirt with me so I gestured to my wedding ring, but I’d forgotten to wear it so he thought I wanted him to propose. It turned out that worked even better at getting rid of him.
Word of advice, don’t get a tattoo til you’re old enough. Thought I was gonna be into this stuff forever.
I can’t go to jail…
I have serious food allergies!
[soup kitchen]
*homeless man is handed a plate*
What the hell is this?
-Turkey bacon.
*throws tray against wall*
I’m hungry! Not desperate!
I ran out of excuses to get out of family gatherings, so I moved out of state.
Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”
Her:
Bear Grylls: *cuts with knife* These can be edible, but I must avoid the toxic parts.
Taco Bell Manager: You need permission to film in here
I feel more comfortable in your arms than anywhere else ❤
~Conversations I have with my couch
Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.
Reporter: How do you feel that your proposal was turned down by Congress?
Obama: Well, I’ve alw–
Biden: [grabs mic] TURNED DOWN FOR WHAT?
Daughter: You’re invading my personal space
Mom: You came out of my personal space
My 13 y/o daughter is a little disappointed that her friends backed out of wearing an inflatable shark costume for Halloween and are going as Bluey characters instead but she’s sticking with the shark.
13: They just don’t take Halloween as seriously as me.
twitter is a journey
(Putting groceries away, my 7yr old starts shaking the root beer I’d bought with all her might)
Me: STOP! What are you doing?
7: Someone told me if you don’t shake it, it’ll explode when you open it.
Me: Honey, either you misunderstood or that person doesn’t like you very much.
Movie Theater: *lights go down*
Me: *quietly removes entire thanksgiving feast from backpack*
[zoo]
GUIDE: i told you not to feed the monkeys
ME: it’s a cigar
Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place
wife: what did i ask you to do?
me: buy the name-brand repellent
wife: and what did you do?
me: i bought the cheap stuff
wife: you bought the cheap stuff
me: it was half the-
wife: and what do we have now?
me: *sigh* we have elephants
wife: we have elephants