This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.
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i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there
having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler
I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.
Is it wrong to eat a Blueberry Muffin that looks just like your dog?!
SON: can I yell bomb at the airport
DAD: no
SON: I can yell boom
DAD: boom’s ok
SON: how about “my mom’s a lesbian now”
DAD: please don’t
If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.
I tried to kill a bug with febreeze but it didn’t work and now the room smells like lilac and fear.
Don’t think of it as losing followers, think of it as frustrating bots to the point they go away
So this dude was installing adhesive for the carpet to go on and….he didn’t plan this very well. Lol
If I ever have another kid I’m just gonna name it Audacity since that seems to be the specialty of the humans I make.
If I had an hour to live I’d spend it on a treadmill because every minute feels like an eternity and at the end I’d be happy to die
“I’d make an awesome president. Give me a problem, any problem.”
“Um, population control?”
“Kill all the storks. BOOM!”
*Hiring an electrician
Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord
3 day weekend: *exists*
Americans:
Alien 1: we’re abducting you
Alien 2: taking you to our home planet
Me: oh no, captured on a planet full of aliens
Alien 1: actually since it’s our planet, you’re the alien
Me: good point. that means I’m the one who does the probing
Alien 1: wait, no-
Alien 2: she’s right Blork
Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain
One time I broke up with a girl so she took my silverware divider and that’s the kind of pettiness I look for in a mate.
*brings a full menstrual cup to a bank robbery
Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?
He: “I think all my dating apps are in Halloween mode.”
She: “Halloween mode?”
He: “Yes, everyone is ghosting me.”
#Halloween #RubbishJokes
me: i’m sorry
gordon ramsay: yes donkey sorry for what?
me: i’m sorry i burnt the quesadillas
gordon ramsay: that’s better big boy
me: look man you’re gonna have to leave this is a private residence
Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.
Amazing coincidence how the things I agree with are objectively true and the things I disagree with aren’t
I charge people $5 if they say “It is what it is.”
My 16yo daughters boyfriend struggled with a capri sun for the last 10 minutes. I think it’s ok to leave her alone with him.
Me: I lost my virginity to Barry White.
Her: Really? What song?
Me: Song?
That time I pointed out to the guy trying to sell a magazine subscription that I have a “No Soliciting” sign and he rolled his eyes and said, “Yeah but I’m not soliciting, I’m selling”. Thus ends the tale of why I have a “do not disturb” sign.
PC: You quit improperly.
ME: You froze.
PC: Next time quit properly.
ME: I didn’t quit.
PC: You lost your data.
ME: YOU lost my data.
PC: Would you like to send a report to Microsoft?
ME: That you fucked up?
PC: That’s not how it’ll read.
ME *reboots
PC: YOU SHUT DOWN IMPROPERLY.
[My Funeral]
“He died doing what he loved… saying ‘Cars have to stop for pedestrians,’ as he stepped bravely into the crosswalk.”