This new flavor of Pringles is horrible. First of all, they aren’t even cut up. Secondly, they taste like tennis balls.
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every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything you have in the house
– cook two to fourteen hours.
It’s been a while since you last tweeted about how much you hate it when someone microwaves fish at work. Are you ok?
911: hello this is 911
me: [panicky garbled mumbling]
911: do you have a too hot to eat pizza roll in your mouth
me: [confirmatory garbled mumbling]
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
Theres plenty of fish in the sea. Theres loads of trash at the dump. Theres tons of bones in a skeleton. Bugs are everywhere.
I’ve had relationships like this
Me: okay I have pizza, wings, nacho dip, mozza…
Him: hell yes, Super Bowl Sunday!
Me *mouth full of food*: uper ol wat?
True love is knowing which parts of Bohemian Rhapsody are yours and which are theirs as you belt it out in the car.
hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it
It’s all fun and games until you have to decide “who eats the last piece of chicken appetizer” at the office dinner.
Brother: Did you know a remote is 20 times dirtier than a toilet seat?
Me *licking remote*
I don’t drip caramel sauce on toilet seats.
mom: you’re 42 years old I’m not reading you a bedtime story every night
inventor of the audiobook: if you won’t, I’ll find somebody who will, Ma
no thank you I was a very bad child I don’t even like lollipops thank you again
You vacation in America but you refuse to tip? Well what if I came to France but refused to genuflect before the town cheese wheel?
Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones
Don’t tell me about Stockholm Syndrome, I woke up at 6 AM on my first day of vacation wondering how things were going at work.
Accidentally cut myself while slicing a mango and now I’m a weremango
Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.
My father: you can’t tell me what to do! THERE ARE NO RULES.
Me: …Dad, this is a card game.
Me: Good night Moon
Moon:
Me, climbing out of lunar module two weeks later: Did you get my text?!
I’m starting to think the guy that gave me directions to the train station was just talking to someone on his Bluetooth.
I remember a short time in my life when I didn’t like hot dogs. 5 is a challenging age.
I’m just saying if she’s into metric then I’d love to meter
Twitter is like handing the dumbest person you know a bullhorn
The government is worried aliens will invade us but I’m worried the aliens will be sexy. I’m in my 30s. I’m ready to settle down. I’m too old to have a crush on someone living 6 or 7 galaxies away. Long distance is hard enough on the same planet. It’s just not realistic.
My friend was going on about how too much of anything is bad, so I said that must include talking and hung up the call
This married couple was eating dinner, he meant to ask his wife for salt, but What came out was, I hate you stupid Bitch you ruined my life
ME: Okay, what exactly do you think bulls look like?
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE CONSTELLATIONS: 1 straight line and 2 bendy ones. That’s bulls.
Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.
They said I couldn’t drink or operate machinery on my medication.
But here I am…Driving a forklift…Sipping a beer…Lifting up my boss’s car…