this november isn’t novembering the way previous novembers, novembered.
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my cat’s getting pretty choosy about wet food for someone who was 85% off at the shelter
What this four-way stop needs is some kind of signal that would let people know when it’s their turn to go
Coffee will wake you up, but have you ever tried falling down a flight of stairs?
Bite me again
– my bottom lip
Brides agonizing over what dress to choose on Say Yes to the Dress should know I just turned to my husband and asked him to describe my wedding dress giving as much detail as he could remember.
His answer was white. With a question mark.
If you see a dog locked in a car on a hot day, it’s legal to teach it how to hotwire the vehicle and drive off in search of a better life.
eminem: look, if you only had one shot-
me: I’d ask for more shots
eminem: you can’t… *rubbing bridge of nose* you can’t ask for more shots
I do things for others…
Like when I’m drunk dancing by myself, Billy Idol style, and I save my friends from being seen with me.
Kids insults are great. My youngest told my oldest “If your clothes were any tighter, you’d look like a wiener dog”
Me: oh and I forgot to tell you…
My kid to his friend: you go on ahead, this is going to take a while
Trampolines…
Are great…
For…
Peeing your pants…
A little at a time…
My son almost missed his plane because he thought his seat number was the gate number.
The same kid they said was *gifted* when he was four.
Me: *stomach rumbling*
8: Why is your tummy making those noises?
M: I’ve not sent anything it’s way for an hour, it’s checking I’m still alive
What if UFO’s are just Jeff Bezos type guys from other galaxies?
What is Iron Man without his suit?
Stark naked.
Just watched a video in which a young lady referred to some shoes from the 90s as “vintage” so you can go ahead and shovel the dirt over me now
Marvel are too COWARDLY to answer the REAL question: how many spiders can fit in one man
Anakin: …is it possible to learn this power?
Palpatine: *grins* not from a Jedi. Which is why I use SkillShare. SkillShare is an online learning community where you can learn—and teach—just about anything. Get two months of Skillshare Premium for free with coupon code “SHEEV”
Old timey ghosts are boring. I want to be haunted by a valley girl with giant hoop earrings.
No one cares about a firm handshake anymore. Now a slice of ham in your palm…that’s confidence.
When bears are around, try to look skinny and they won’t eat you.
If that doesn’t work, kick your buddy in the nuts and RUN!
it’s always a fun time when a wrong number texts you
Please ignore this tweet, I’m pretending to be adding a coworker’s phone number.
Little Red Riding Hood is my favorite story about an idiot who can’t tell the difference between a human and a wolf.
Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
10 out of 10 babies hate my baby launcher
Do people who pay $20 for corn mazes know that you can go get lost in Ikea for only the price of three days of meatballs?
I hate it when baby boomers are like “your generation is too sensitive!”. Like ok, Gail, I’m not the one writing 8 paragraph Yelp reviews because the restaurant was painted a color you didn’t like.
can’t wait to fulfill my lifelong dream of going to japan and buying a samurai sword out of a vending machine