This Obama guy is the worst rapper ever.
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Welcome to your 40’s. You appreciate handrails now.
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
thanks, but I’M TOO FAR AWAY FOR YOU TO BE HOLDING THE DOOR OPEN FOR ME WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS STOP IT
Something’s wrong with the selfie camera on my new phone. It keeps making me look like I’m 40.
Sorry I asked if today was laundry day. I was just trying to find a way to understand your outfit.
Cost me $200 to fill up my tank tonight. Don’t know why I bought a tank, so impractical.
Operator: “9-1-1 please hold…”
Me: “Ok. Hey, stop stabbing me for a second.”
Murderer: “K.”
Lobsters: grabby hands
Mobsters: stabby hands
The man that loves to eat on a lounger by the pool is a manipooleater
It’s called a charm offensive. I’m like the softest baby bunny who doesn’t respect you.
*takes a drag off a Lucky Strike*
me: I was one hell of an athlete back in the day.
young person: Oh yeah? What did you play?
me: Darts.
“Is it pronounced NEEL-ism or NIAL-ism?”
“It doesn’t matter”“Nothing matters….”
HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family
i woke up haunted by when a girl DMed me on here to say “how do u know my bf”. i said “we’re just mutuals. i don’t really know him”. she responded and said “well i read all of ur DMs to him”. i went to look at my DMs with him and they were us going back and forth ranking seltzer
DR: Your cholesterol is high. What have you been eating?
ME: Mostly cholesterol.
GROCER: slide your card
ME: it didn’t work
GROCER: does it have a chip?
ME: *puts hand over pringle in my pocket I was saving for later* no
I PASSED THE BAR!
On the way to work and I didn’t go in! Yay me!
I was kicked out of a strip club last night for throwing twenty quid at one of the strippers.
Ok, I admit it was in pound coins.
The X-Files will have 3 back to back episodes that are dead serious about elaborate conspiracies where anyone can be killed for knowing too much, and then the very next episode will be like “Scully there’s a dude I wanna check out who thinks he’s a goat”
Dentist: Don’t eat or drink for…
Me: *already eating a snack before she finishes her sentence*
me:
table: hi
me: *checks dosage*
[trial]
Judge: how do you plead?
“not guilty”
J: but you’ve admitted to dropping an anvil on him.
“he asked me to make him a pancake”
Went on a date a year ago with an atheist vegan libertarian anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist who vapes and does CrossFit. I snuck out the bathroom window 45 minutes in, but rumor has it he’s still telling me about himself.
My teen son told me that he plans on talking like Chewbacca if a teacher calls on him today, so I guess I better start practicing my Wookiee for that parent teacher phone call later today.
[1st day working at bank]
BOSS: What are you doing??
ME: I gave that man a personal loan.
BOSS: YOU’RE THE JANITOR
The first thing to do today is find out where I parked the car and then try to remember why I’m still in it
*Interrupts your meltdown*
Where do you keep the good snacks!?
Oh no