this one has claws
This one swims but can’t fly
This one is huge & runs funny
This one bangs his head against trees
– god making birds
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The Titannic: Be gentle, it’s my first time.
Iceberg: Okay, just the tip.
When a cop pulls me over I lick my lips and say, “Can I show you something sexy to get out of this ticket?,” then I open my center console full of snacks.
The final exam for police service dogs to remain calm in front of a cat, Germany, 1987.
No thank you, gym membership. The only thing worse than riding a bike is riding a bike that goes nowhere.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ma’am you can’t take that on the plane
ME: This is my therapy ham
Mirror: If you break me, it’s 7yrs bad luck.
Condom: LOL
For once I would like to get through an entire work day without my boss waking me up.
14: I don’t have a signal.
Me: You kids! When I was your age, we had to stand by the phone, turn this dial-
14: It’s back.
Me: Good talk.
“Can you get my water, Mom?”
— My child, still in possession of the perfectly healthy legs I spent 9 months growing for him.
I should have grown him some Go Go Gadget arms.
We’re all born naked and the rest is crab. #DragRace
I’m not saying I’m on Amazon a lot but I did notice it was down before they did.
“The name is Bond, Ja-”
– “Savings Bond?”
“No”
– “Chemical Bond?”
“NO!”
– “Autobahn?”
“You know you’re totally ruining this for me”
me: “why was she called the little mermaid, she was 5ft7?”
therapist: “i meant anything bothering you about your marriage keith”
I told a second grader today I didn’t have a cell phone when I was his age and he looked at me sadly and said oh so you had a flip phone?
I pry open the crab shell but instead of sweet crabmeat I find a tiny, bustling city filled with people who have my face. It tastes terrible
Happy 3 year anniversary to working in a coffee shop at 6AM and my first customer was this lady in a fox costume on her way to surprise chase her daughter, who was afraid of mascots, down the street in Chicago
me: I made a model of the himalayas
friend: did you build them to scale?
me: no, just to look at
friend: what
The person opposite me has a donut. I do not have a donut. That should be my donut. This person is now my arch nemesis.
waitress on law & order: oh yeah, he came in for lunch three months ago with a pretty brunette. they sat at table 3 and had an argument
me as a waitress: you’re telling me this man with a limp, a scar, and a funny hat came in yesterday? sure, maybe. don’t remember
i never would have bought this abandoned lighthouse if i knew that the city wouldn’t let me drop watermelons from the top
Whenever the Starbucks guy asks for my name I laugh and whisper “I’m seeing someone”
You known you’ve been on twitter too long when autocorrect will not type ducks.
Me: *Applying for a second mortgage*
Banker: *shuffling papers* I just don’t understand how you got the first one on this Bouncy House.
honestly, i need both:
Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).
*Turning off led flashlight.
Led flashlight: hahahahaha
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
Him: “You’ll never find another guy like me.”
Me: “That’s kind of the point.”