“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”
-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.
You Might Also Like
I wish ‘You idiot.’ was an appropriate way to end a work email.
Could you set a lightsaber on low and use it as a back scratcher?
fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin
Dentist: You don’t have to floss all your teeth. Only the ones you wanna keep!
*I start flossing his teeth*
D: Um…
Me: These are mine now
[in hell]
ME: *sitting down in auditorium* this doesn’t seem so bad
SATAN: *on stage* hi everyone, before I begin my interactive performance—
ME: ugh
SATAN: —I’d like everyone to move down to the first three rows
ME: UGH
My 4yo just said “is life a dream because it doesn’t make sense” and I suspect he’s right
Today as a Random Act of Kindness, I wore a really tight sweater to work.
Me: *practices best man speech while shaving in front of mirror*
Driver’s ed instructor: stop the car
Wasted my annual good hair day at work again this year.
The ocean is over seasoned. Too salty. Zero stars.
If I get murdered please arrest the person who goes on tv and says I had “a zest for life.” I don’t care if they’re the killer but I don’t want my memory disrespected like that.
your dad isn’t a dad yet until he stands in your living room for 15 minutes straight (instead of leaving) saying “this movie is so stupid” while you’re watching Mamma Mia
My grandmother was parking on the street and I kept giggling. She finally asked me why, and I just said “paralleloGram.”
Me: I have a new water bottle! I’m gonna get my 64 Oz a day now, bay-bee!
Also me: ᴀʟʟ ᴏꜰ ᴍʏ ʟɪꜰᴇ ɪꜱ ᴘᴇᴇ
BOSS: You’re late again today
ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: We’re lucky to even be here you know
Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.
black phone good
Providing directions like “when the wind blows northeasterly, you’ll come to a rickety old white mansion with an old crone in a rocking chair on the porch—turn to the exact angle her nose points, then continue until a frog hits you in the face. I’ll be the one throwing the frog.”
You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan
*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
HANG GLIDER COP: I see a crime happening directly below me
[glides on]
Not much I can do
there should be a three day weekend: one day to do Nothing, one day to do Something, and one day to do Laundry
My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.
when my four year old asked “mommy does a snowman have 3 balls?” I realized my biggest problem is im just not, nor will i ever be, mature enough to have kids
employee: i can’t come into work
boss: why not?
employee: because i need to hibernate
boss: {hangs up the phone & looks over at the secretary} i don’t know why we keep hiring bears
[45 minutes after seeing someone fall down the stairs]
You OK?
Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.
I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.
No time for questions.
You guys, I seriously never ask for prayers but this is an emergency. There is a rumor that Red Lobster might be closing. Pray. Pray hard.