“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”

-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.

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Me: *pulling my head out of a bidet* what?


Reality show idea: an aggressive, Gordon Ramsay-esque plant expert goes to the homes of black thumbed individuals & insults them & flips over pots of soil & comes back 3 months later to see if they have made any plant progress.


DATE: {seductively} What’s your type?

ME: {seductively} One sec.

[2 minutes later]

ME: Ok yeah, love you, no I’m on a date, mom she’s the one trust me, thanks again, ok bye. {turns to date} She said B positive.


Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.


i wrote my own vows *removes paper*
“chickety china the chinese chicken”
whoops wrong one *2nd paper*
“if i had $1,000,000”


I’m getting arthritis in my pinky finger which is making it painful to drink tea in my upper-class social circles.


I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people


We HAVE to stop North Korea! They’re led by a pampered, delusional, vengeful fat rich guy with stupid hair and access to nuclear weap- oh.


Everything was great until I opened my mouth.

– An autobiography