This one time, a work colleague declared The Avengers to be a better film than The Dark Knight.
That was a busy day in HR, I can tell you.
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[doing crunches]
Me: get it? ab solution?
Priest: so excommunicated
Harry Potter and the Uber of Eats
On a girl’s vacation while drunk, we all bought hotdogs and then tried to give someone directions. I gestured so emphatically that I slung the wiener right out of my bun and into the street, and then ate it anyway because a $5 dog is a $5 dog. Follow me for more financial advice
Proof that kids sometimes listen…
5: Why are you not getting dressed to take me to school?
Me: I’m dressed
5: Those look like pajamas
Me:
5: Did you brush your teeth?
Me: Yes
5: Let me smell
Nobody:
Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME
My wife and I are 3 weeks in on researching and discussing air fryers and if it is worth losing the counter space. Middle age Christmases are wild.
Me: tis better to have loved and lost than to embarrass yourself in front of mall security
Her: WHERE THE HELL IS OUR SON
Any leftover cabbage can and will be shredded and mixed with mayo
– Cole’s Law
I dislike frozen dinners that require me to tear & fold & make sure this side is here or there & build a sacrificial platform to appease an ancient sun god or whatever to heat my food.
when you order from DoorDastardly
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: ohhhhh, hampire
Penguins are always dressed in formalwear because they often need to go to court to answer for their terrible crimes
anyone know how to get an air guitar out of a vacuum?
just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun
My 4 year old is handing me one grape to wash at a time so breakfast should be served around midnight.
I could never give up my dog, he knows too much
8yo nephew: so how does it feel when you’re drunk?
Me: Oh it’s awful! You get dizzy and your head spins so fast from the slap you might get if you touch my booze.
i was just sitting in my car and someone confused me for an uber and now i guess we’re driving across the country to stop his ex girlfriend’s wedding because he still loves her
People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?
Child protective services?
Who’s protecting the parents Huh?
WHO’S PROTECTING THE PARENTS?
I bet Lance Armstrong is smugly saying “at least I didn’t kill anybody” to like every person he sees today.
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what parents do.
Leaving the Barbers like
[carrot slice falls on the floor]
Ah well I guess it’s in the trash with you[potato chip falls on the floor]
YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD ESCAPE.
[Supermarket]
Me: QUICK, WHERE IS YOUR FROZEN SECTION
Assistant: Aisle 7
Me: GREAT [opens trench coat and 6 penguins fall out] let’s go guys
marriage counsellor: so what’s the problem?
me: i don’t know
my ‘friend’: i’m tired of you trying to keep our marriage a secret
What is the German word for being sad that you finished all the food
Annoys me when I’m typing my reply and someone starts typing like you see those 3 bubbles and I’m just like no excuse me wait your turn thanks
My 61-year-old stepmom loves your product, Mark Zuckerberg.
Thanks to Garfield I learned that cats love lasagna
Thanks to my veterinarian I learned that cats are allergic to garlic