@bobvulfov [audition for a vampire tv show]
ME: as u can see in my headshots, i’m a vampire
CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos
ME: exactly
@dmc1138 This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of “Cats” on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
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@bobvulfov 
@LaqueefaTeen What’s the purpose of hanging plants on your porch? Is it a warning to the other plants in the neighborhood that you’re not a house to be trifled with?
@joshxhowie Was late to my first Fight Club last night so missed the intro rules. Still, Fight Club was brilliant and I’d highly recommend Fight Club.
@Proxic0n [Baby trying to say first words]
Baby: b..bu
Me: cmon son
Baby: bu..bu..s
Wife: Yes sweetheart
Baby: Bush did 9/11
Me[tearing up]: He knows
@Aspersioncast Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?
@English_Channel no one:
my roommate at 3:26 am: hey man, did you eat the last Pop-Tart?
@i_wasnt_looking *pets your eyebrows*
there, there caterpillar; everything will be ok
@JasonNotEvil dracula: *bites neck*
me: oh, I should probably warn you-
dracula: *dies*
me: i am 50% garlic bread
@SomthinBoutSara Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.
@itsBABYSMITH i’m convinced the only british slang words you’ll ever need in life are tickety-boo & throwing a wobbly