This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of “Cats” on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.

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[audition for a vampire tv show]
ME: as u can see in my headshots, i’m a vampire
CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos
ME: exactly


What’s the purpose of hanging plants on your porch? Is it a warning to the other plants in the neighborhood that you’re not a house to be trifled with?


Was late to my first Fight Club last night so missed the intro rules. Still, Fight Club was brilliant and I’d highly recommend Fight Club.


[Baby trying to say first words]
Baby: b..bu
Me: cmon son
Baby: bu..bu..s
Wife: Yes sweetheart
Baby: Bush did 9/11
Me[tearing up]: He knows


Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?


dracula: *bites neck*

me: oh, I should probably warn you-

dracula: *dies*

me: i am 50% garlic bread


Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.


i’m convinced the only british slang words you’ll ever need in life are tickety-boo & throwing a wobbly