this one time I saw a vegas hypnotist who told the audience he was going to turn me into a sad, depressed loser who makes dumb jokes on a dying website for zero money & I was like give it ur best shot, Mezmo the Great
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You want me to respect scientists. The people who almost killed E.T.
Did you guys ever prank your passed out friend by putting his hand in a bowl of warm water and then dropping a tiny toaster in it?
*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*
felt that
*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*
Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!
wait, do bisexuals experience sexual attraction twice a year or once every two years
Me: How do you like your new bed?
Dog: I love it, it was delicious!!
Me: What?
Dog: Wut
Dracula is never rebooted, merely revamped
Attacked by a mop.
My son cried yesterday because:
– he “doesn’t want to carry two things” (school bag and lunch bag)
– i pushed the button on the elevator and he wanted to do it
– his nanny said hello and he’s “too tired to greet”
– didn’t like the shirt he was wearing anymore
– wanted to write M
your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 🙄
don’t ask me “what dat mouth do?” if you’re not prepared to hear it burp the alphabet.
Them: Can you help me?
Me: I don’t work here.
Them: Oh, sorry. *leaves*
My boss: You need to stop doing that.
Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.
you can skip the karate classes and just buy a black belt. no one will care.
Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies
I’m teaching my students proper grammar by having them edit poorly written Yelp reviews. You’re welcome.
Girls are a lot like oceans,
beautiful
and deep
but once a month
it’s shark week.
MOM: Story time
ME: Yay!
MOM: it’s called
“The Little Engine that Could, but doesn’t cuz he’s a little shit that won’t move out”ME: mom?
People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.
I’ve never watched The Bachelor but I have been to a bar.
I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!
You get: 1 hour of extra sleep
You lose: the will to live after the sunsets at 4pm
“snitches get stitches”
Me: *bleeding profusely* Hello, Cops? My brother stole Chapstick from CVS in 1997
There’s a bag of Hersey’s chocolate in the kitchen.
I’ve been smothering myself with kisses.
I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.
Impervious: being an admitted pervert
This is my emotional support chloroform rag
Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.